When the Pen Hits the Paper..

Awwwwww shhhhhhh…

This is a reality rap.. Yeah, I’m a rapper right now.. No bars, no hooks.. No beats, no soundtracks.. Just a reintroduction.. Our prophets are now supposed to be those wearing fake chains and having the hottest looking asian-influenced woman on our arm.. Well, picture me as just that, because I have a lot on my mind that I have to get off.. I’m the mad rapper.. I’m the hip-hop professor.. Sorry Michael Eric Dyson.. You owe me anyway..

Life has been crazy.. Too crazy.. From the bottom to the top, and back down to the bottom.. Then back to the top.. My rap moniker is now Phoenix.. And that has so many subliminal messages to it that it should be part of the Wu-Tang Clan.. Y’all will catch that in 2020.. Life hasn’t been easy.. Some days I’m Shawn Carter, other days I’m Jay-Z.. Some days I’m Shawn Carter from 1992, which means that on those days I have nothing.. My worth on those days are defined like a 18 year old McDonald’s All-American.. It’s all based on potential.. Realized potential, if that makes sense.. On those days, on the inside I feel like an allusion of myself.. On those days, on the outside I am exactly who everyone expects me to be..

The reality hits.. The best-of albums.. The mixtape massacres.. It's all there.. Some get released, some get tabled.. But let's get back to the reality hits..

And this is tough.. Discussing reality when no one really buys that reality.. The reality is that everybody is struggling.. The reality is that my own expectations are higher than your expectations of me.. The reality is that no one will allow me to talk “nonsense”.. Meaning, no one wants to hear me talk about dwindling marketing accounts, broke professional athletes, and artists that need much more than they actually realize.. I’m not talking about my own, either.. I’m talking about the way it is.. My bad, I mean, no one wants to hear me rapping about my mother's ills, my sister's struggles, or my own personal demons.. My biggest obstacle is my own success.. And I have nothing or no one to blame for that.. I craved it.. I desired it.. I embodied it.. On some days, I fed it.. Beyonce’s “Ego” song might be part of my issue.. On some level, ego plays into it.. Never letting them see you sweat.. Never painting the whole picture.. Never saying never..

I’m not sure that’s my problem, though.. I’m not sure what the problem is on most days.. Some days I look up to the sky and ask why.. Other days I look up to the sky and scream “**** the world, don’t ask me for ****”.. Am I talking to God? Why wouldn’t i? Some days I look down below and ask would it be worse down there? Other days I look down below and realize that down below is just a mirror reflection of my life.. Hell is no different from the present.. At least that’s what I feel on those days..

But then I have to snap out of it, and smile for my family.. Smile for my clients.. Smile for my fans.. You know, the ones that are no longer buying my album.. Work hard for everyone, but myself.. I can’t be working hard for myself and still be feeling like this.. I don’t question the Lord.. That’s not my style.. My bad, not my steez.. It just can’t be.. I can’t allow that.. Knaa’mean?! I might be blocking my blessings.. Knaa’mean?? My rap alter-ego wants to scream “Bless Deez”.. My phone is always buzzing.. Another hand out.. Someone else’s and mine.. Cuz when I put my hand back in my pocket, all I feel is lint.. That’s the reality.. Money comes in and goes right back out.. Sometimes money comes in, and it gets jacked.. Bills, bills, and more bills.. Sometimes my days are like hearing Destiny’s Child play on repeat.. Same song, different day.. But the tape won’t pop.. When I take it out, I realize that the tape is indestructible.. It’s wild..

I help more than I harm.. I help more than I harm.. I help more than I harm.. So why can’t I get help?? Why is no one listening? Ok, let me take that back.. I get help.. I get bailed out.. But even that bailout comes w/ steep consequences, and recently those consequences come in the form of what feels like a loan shark.. When I think the coast is clear, I walk out and there is a spotlight on me.. Can you hear the violins playing??

All I know is that it gotta change.. Quickly.. Or I’m leaving the game.. On some Ready to Die ish.. I can’t deal w/ these rap dudes no more.. No promoters.. No labels.. Nothing.. I’m giving it one final shot.. And I’m hoping it will not be like MJ’s last shot or even Hov’s.. Just Q..

Too Long..

yea, yea, yea..

i know, i know, i know..

i'm the worst blogger in terms of consistency.. i make promises that i never keep.. i start concepts that i never keep going.. but y'all gotta give me a break.. we have a new President.. Hope is on the horizon.. hopefully i'll get my blogging act together and be more consistent..

i'll tell you what, though.. i do write blogs.. daily.. they are just in my head.. maybe i'm the Hov of blogging.. yeah, that's it.. i'm the Hov of blogging.. i don't write it down until i'm ready to drop the album.. so that can be every 6 months or so that i go back into the booth (i.e. blogger.com), but i promise not to drop duds..

anyway, too much is going on and not enough time.. def' not enough money, but who's pinching pennies?? well, who wants to count the pennies that they are pinching??

explain this to me.. how is it that as you get older Christmas becomes more and more expensive for you.. how is it that your grown siblings and family expect bigger and better gifts from you? what is that about? i swear my mom grows her Christmas Wish List exponentially.. it ain't fair.. i can total up the last 10 Christmas' and i'm dang sure that the amount that i spent in those 10 years for my mom is more than the 16 or so that she spent on me growing up.. shoot, i'll venture to say that it's more than me and my siblings combined.. what is that about?? flights, jewelry, food, trips.. really? did i ever get a trip to Disney World when i was a kid?? shoot, i would've love to get outta the South Side to a warmer place.. i'm just sayin'..

what about Turkey Day? maybe when i have a nice crib and room for 25 people will i appreciate this day more.. right now (and since i could remember) it always seems like more of a hassle.. it starts from the family.. who's house are we having it at? at what age is it acceptable and be grown and not have to go home for it? who's preparing what? man, so many questions.. the biggest one is, who is cleaning up?? cuz that's what i'm looking for in the future.. ain't no way i'm having 25 ppl in my spot and not have help cooking AND cleaning.. nuh uh.. ain't happening.. everybody is working.. if not, it'll be a scene from "Martin".. tellin' everybody to "get to steppin'!".. i'm just sayin'..

so, yeah, as you can see, i'm VERY excited about the holiday period.. VERY.. i'm disappearing.. y'all don't believe me? ask my mom.. i sent her an email and told her that i'd reconnect with her after the holiday period, cuz i needed a break.. yup, i said it.. i treated my mom like she was a business associate.. i'm sorry, it sounds harsh, but i just needed some me time.. is that too much to ask?? she knows i love her.. so stop screwing your face up at me!!

Chicago Style

i'm still nearly speechless.. after literally losing my voice in the streets of Harlem, USA, i find myself operating on 2 1/2 hours of sleep.. and i never felt better (aside from this pounding headache)..

i get to go home today.. ironically, i'm heading to Chicago today, and i have no clue how i will feel.. i spent all of last night shedding tears of joy and screaming.. forces buses, taxis and cars to honk their horns after Barack was elected our first Black President.. damn.. Black President.. stuff sounds crazy.. but there we were.. Fuzion had an event all day yesterday to watch the results come in.. that night was something that i couldn't describe.. as we watched the inevitable happen, we were puffing cigars and drinking Johnny Walker Blue (don't try that at home, folks).. realizing that the numbers were about to come in for Barack.. seeing him first take control of the senate.. then seeing 293 pop on the screen, showing that he exceeded (later trounced) the 270 that was needed to secure the Presidency..

we went crazy.. i felt like Coach Jimmy V running around looking for someone to hug.. i picked Superstar up like she weighed 2 pounds.. i was hugging and kissing and pounding up everybody in sight.. grown men were crying.. i teared up, but didn't have the waterworks.. not cuz i was ashamed, just because my joy was limiting the amount of moisture streaming from my eyes.. i was laughing and smiling and crying.. and it never felt so good..

i ran out into the street.. the MIDDLE of the street.. i didn't care.. a few blocks away on 125th street they were doing the same.. with news cameras everywhere.. they had that.. we locked down 116th.. i was screaming at cars.. screaming at people on the street.. hugging more white folk than i probably have in my entire life.. i was telling men that i loved them.. men that i didn't know.. literally..

"i don't know you, but i love you!!"

i called my Man C3, and was yelling and he probably wasn't understanding anything i was saying as i was at the highest level of ADHD as possible.. cars were blaring the Obama "A Milli" remix.. i was yelling it.. i was in the street for nearly 45 minutes.. NON-STOP.. this was unbelievable..

i thought about my family.. those that passed, and those that are still here.. i thought about my future family.. i thought about being able to have a child born under a Black President.. i thought of everything at the same time.. i thought of burying the hatchett with people that i don't like.. i thought that my credit was good.. i thought i had the bank account of Oprah.. i thought of everything.. and even believed it for a second..

i thought of how after it was announced, everyone in that room came to me about making some things happen.. they asked me to lead it.. some big things.. where we use our collective power and expertise to do something big.. something so big that i can't even talk about it.. but i felt good, cuz they gave me the keys to make it happen.. the youngest guy in the room.. 4th youngest period in the room.. that made me feel good.. made me feel like for a change, a lot of us will use this extra inspiration to fully tap into our potential.. that alone is good enough for me.. that alone makes me so proud.. that alone makes the world see the power that one Man has..

it takes me to that scene in Malcolm X when he put his hand up and pointed and had everyone walk in unison.. only to have po-po remark that no man should have that much power.. well, World, that Man has arrived..

his name is Barack Obama.. the 44th President of the United States of America..

Tales from the Booth

ok, so i just voted for my man, Barack Obama.. the future President of the USA.. Brasil, i'm coming if something crazy happens, so please have my bed ready!!

so, i wake up at 6am today.. realizing that my polling spot opens at 6am.. ok, well it was like 6:14am, but i didn't set my alarm.. i have that internal clock thing going on.. anyway.. i creep out of bed and look out the window.. no lines! YES!!

yea, hate on.. my polling place is DIRECTLY across the street from me.. i wrote a blog about that back in the day after my vote wasn't counted for Barack in the primaries.. old news.. anyway..

so i'm excited that there wasn't a line, cuz i've been hearing about the long lines.. not that it matters.. actually, as i type this, my best friend is in a long line around the block in another part of the Bronx.. but it's beautiful to be sending text messages before 7am and get responses from everybody.. everybody is out there.. at least my peoples are.. history in the making..

ok, so i finally get up around 6:24am.. yup, 6:24am on the dot.. wash my face, do all that good stuff, throw on some sweats, sneakers, jacket and a hat.. i'm dressed for voting success!! i get outside, still no line.. woo-hoo!! i see a police scooter parked in front of the crib.. got an instant bad feeling, but i moved on as soon as i crossed the street.. took some pics outside the spot.. felt good.. saw an older Black woman videotaping her mother going to vote.. i think i felt a tear creeping from my belly to my eye in about 3.8 seconds.. i didn't allow the tear to beat me.. my instincts were clocked at 3.5 seconds..

so i walk inside.. aww shoot..

nah, no lines.. just the okey-doke.. confusion.. they have 2 lines (which i found out was 3 later on).. 1 line says 44th District.. the other says 45th.. EVERYBODY in there was confused.. except those that brought those cards.. i didn't have mine.. most of us didn't.. some man was walking around assisting people with locations, but this dude was just a helper.. usually i'd say he was worthless, but he was helping out doing a job he's obvious not trained for.. looking up addresses is VERY hard.. anyway..

i see my neighbor, but he doesn't see me.. i stand behind him.. we finally figure out that we're in the 45th District.. but again, this feels like one of those Bush tactics.. it's like 25 people there.. since when did we have to go to a booth that was labeled w/ our district? it is what it is.. i hope and pray that everyone's vote is counted.. moving on..

i get to the table where they are trying to find our name.. last time, they couldn't find my name, and i had to do the P Vote (look it up, it's too early for me to remember how to spell it when i can't remember how to pronounce it!).. again, that vote was never counted.. i'm not bitter (i promise - wink wink).. well, here we go again..

i tell him my name and say "it starts with a P".. even though he has my ID right there in front of him.. do y'all know this Voting Helper (Black man) didn't know his ABC's?? that dude was stuck on M forever.. then went backwards.. i'm like "my man, P is AFTER M".. after some blank stares, he finally got it.. we laughed about it.. i dang near wanted to say, vote for Barack, so your children have a chance, cuz you, my friend, did not get a proper K-5 education!

my people, my people..

so i help the lady next to him spell my name on the card.. finally, i'm in the booth..

aww shoot.. i'm lost.. i feel like the Voting Helper who doesn't know his ABC's!! this ancient machine has me shook.. joint is so big, it looks like it can eat me.. i'm staring at Barack's name.. trying to move the lever.. ain't budging.. i take a deep breath, and take a smaller step back.. i'm confused.. i want to call for help, but i know i can beat this big machine that looks like the first computer.. i know i can.. i know i can!! so i look up and see some directions.. ahh-haa!!

i move this big lever to the right, and then i hit the switches.. all Democrat.. i have no clue who the other people were.. i'm horrible, i know.. well, the one chick lives right down the block from me.. so that was it.. i just pushed all the levers to the Democrat names, saw the X mark the spot, and pulled the lever..

jackpot!! i did it!! I VOTED FOR THAT ONE!! Yes sir!! i made history!! commence with instant texting and picture taking!! here i thought that i would get right back in bed, but i'm blogging to all of you.. texting to even more (i think).. having conversations w/ ppl standing in long lines (i'm here for moral support!).. and it'll keep going.. Fuzion has an all-day event at BBRAXTON starting at 10AM, where we'll have food and drinks (big up to CIROC for being a sponsor!) and watch all the news come in.. at 11AM i'll turn on The View (yup, i like that show.. go Whoopi!!) at the shop, and have dudes hating.. it's all good..

Go Vote!! (if you're confused, go with the dude who sounds like the most unlikely choice for President)

The Questions..

yeah, so the picture has nothing to do with The Questions.. but oh well.. deal with it.. it's my blog!!

moving on.. more questions..

1. How can you have HBO, HBO OnDemand, Showtime and Showtime OnDemand and not have CNN, ESPN, or MTV?
2. How does that make sense? If you pay for premium cable, shouldn't "basic" cable stations be free? What kind of sham is this?
3. Why do I feel the banking industry is a monopoly? Or are they playing monopoly or us? Or is it just that - monopoly?
4. Why am I feeling like tomorrow is going to be like Christmas?
   
5. How did DL Hughley get a show on CNN? Did anyone see that debut? If you did, did you bother to watch the 2nd show? I know I didn't - not a question, but i'm just sayin'..
6. Why does the economy make everybody a born-again Jamaican? Aren't people looking for 2nd jobs? Aren't business owners looking to start another business that can make quick cash to pay for the first business?
   
7. Was that last question just for me?
8. Why does this NBA season seem even better than last season? Is it because I'm liking the way that my Bulls are looking?
9. Why was Hov's "Kingdom Come" so slept on? Was it just too grown for a dumbed down audience? Dude had timeless beats and rhymes to match on it.. I mean, you really don't get a skip track until more than 1/2 way through the album.. Sorry, that wasn't a question.. i'm just sayin'..
10. How do you allow yourself to get clowned to your face? (i'm talking to you Palin and McCain)
11. Why am going to vote for Barack tomorrow? That was rhetorical..
    

Shut the Bleep Up..

normally i don't do this.. but really?? for real? in the words of Riley (Boondocks, come back), "that's what's really hood, huh? that's what's really hood?!"

saying your RNC speech in your latest Klan rally?? that's how it goes down?? only to see FoxNews report that you finally had your moment and spoke with assertion? really? is that what assertion is? being able to raise your voice above a whisper while finding a way to stay alive?? really?

did you really think a show like the Daily Show wouldn't peep that either and make fun of you? really? you actually had the audacity to spit the end of your RNC speech again? line for line? word for word?? and the media doesn't eat you alive for that??

i guess that really is hood..

Shut the eff up and get off my tv.. i hope you have an accident on stage tonight.. and not the "that one" accident.. one more of those, and you might mess around and find yourself missing.. keep playing.. there are a bunch of "that ones" walking around free nowadays.. read up on your current affairs.. i mean, i know your girl doesn't read or even know the name of newspapers, but you should be smarter than her.. shoot, who isn't??

The (Stock) Market..

or so they say.. for my math people, you know those brackets mean the negative.. pun was definitely intended..

our economy is worthless.. i just got my latest statement, and while i'm not doing horrible (diversity has its perks), i still lost money across the board.. i've been upset with people talking about buying stocks and all that stuff, because they THOUGHT we bottomed out.. sorry, didn't happen.. people bought those cheap stocks and days later lost it all.. not a good look.. and i know Buffet came out saying how the stocks are on sale..

umm, no.. i feel you, but no..

the fact is that maybe 6 months ago, our stock market became the equivalent of Marshall's and TJ Maxx.. Maybe Filene's Basement.. places where you could get great stuff for cheap.. name brand stuff at 1/2 the price.. that's where we were sitting.. and as an avid fan of Marshall's and Target (don't sleep, y'all saw Halle in Tar-jay earlier this week too!) i like those deals.. those types of stocks.. because as soon as i get them, then they go up.. i end up making the stocks better (or at least that's what i tell myself).. that Polo sweater i copped for 1/2 off looks like the same one Kanye bought for full price.. no one can tell the difference, so that stock went right back up to where it should be..

now??

shee-it.. the stock market is like the 99 cents store.. you go in there, and you dang near know that what you cop will be useless in about a week.. it goes down as soon as you buy it, and the only ppl that are happy, are the ones who sold it to you.. so, nah, ain't nothing on sale.. we are a week away from it being worthless..

let that marinate for a second..