Belief..

"i'm glad i have more belief in myself, than i do in signs" - Q.

that's probably going to sound pretty self-absorbed to quote myself, but it was something powerful for me.. some words that i uttered to myself and to a couple of my boys yesterday afternoon.. see, it's been a rough week.. really a rough past 3 days.. to me, all the signs were pointing to negative things.. across the board.. all of the way across the board.. i went into my own cocoon.. i felt that i needed to remove myself from the world.. i went into it pretty much after my workout on Tuesday.. i believe that was the last time someone saw me until yesterday.. at least in a casual setting.. i just couldn't bring myself to mess with people.. i had to grind.. at least i thought i had to..

i figured if i saw people, i might wil' out.. might do something stupid.. might say something stupid.. i couldn't allow that to happen.. what was crazy is that my man was actually going through the same thing over the last couple of days.. a dude i see dang near every day.. we both were to ourselves making our own life altering decisions.. or so we thought.. i thought it was crazy when i opened up to him and told him about what i was going through, and he pretty much returned the same message to me.. he was feeling the same.. during that conversation i couldn't really get through it.. where we were, i had a hard time being.. it was supposed to be a good situation, and it was, but it was lessened due to our attitudes.. so then i said what i said above..

after that, i think the world was removed from my shoulders.. cuz no matter what, i was going to be good.. whether that's on the personal side or the business side, i was going to be good.. shoot, that morning i contemplated doing a lot of things that were not good.. well, maybe i should say that they weren't smart.. i woke up at the crack of dawn yesterday, earlier than usual.. and i was up working.. researching some nonsense that my sleep woke me up out of.. at that point, i felt that i HAD to research it.. then i was brought back to reality.. a few tense conversations, a longer one with my man C3, and then one with PC.. i still wasn't out of the woods, though..

so there i sat, spilling a lot over lunch.. had a text message from a dude that owes me something.. kinda put me over the edge at that point.. but then i went back to what i said before.. i'm glad that i have more belief in myself..

that's all that i needed.. i snapped back into it.. forget these "signs".. i ain't even worried about them.. because if it really is a sign, i still have a choice.. i still can go another way.. i can still spin a negative into a positive.. that's what i was going to do.. so i ended up having a man afternoon/evening.. i was with my boy for a few hours.. we ended up moving around the city checking out a few things that we've been meaning to.. work was the furthest thing from my mind.. so was most of the world.. things that usually aggravated me (like the train), wasn't getting to me.. i took my behind home, realizing that there was a planned "men retreat" that night to watch the kick-off of The Finals.. Lakers vs. Celtics.. i needed this..

my attitude began to get foul again.. i called my father to wish him a happy birthday.. i forgot, but as i finally checked my voicemail last night, i heard his voice.. so i called, and we rapped for a bit.. all he really wanted to know was when my birthday (and my siblings) was.. i had to laugh.. dude had no clue when any of our birthdays were.. i think he had mine in april, my sister was in the right month, but way off on the day, and i think he had the right month for my brother.. he then mentioned that he tried to call my brother.. i laughed.. i was like "don't you know he's locked up again?".. he then told me that he got out.. "word?!".. i had no clue.. it made me feel a certain way.. not good or bad, just weird.. through that conversation, i realized how separated my family was.. but then i got to the cigar shop, where i was to meet the fellas before we rolled to my man's spot in NJ.. i saw them.. talked a lil' more w/ my father, and i snapped back out of it..

or so i thought..

so we drove to grab some steaks and stuff for the night.. then were off to NJ.. we get to the spot.. my man's crib is SICK.. brownstone.. SICK.. we walk in through the basement, which opened up to the perfect basement.. walk in and you see like a 72" plasma.. wrap-around couches.. a bar.. a spa.. it was crazy.. it let out to the back.. dude had his own gazebo-like structure.. grill and the whole nine.. i was like "what part of the game is this??".. i was in love with the dude's crib.. straight up in love.. we went up to the main floor which had the kitchen.. we each prepped our own steaks and greeted each other.. then to the grill.. then cigars and wine.. it was an experience..

there were 5 of us.. i'm the only one under 40, and i think everyone had me by at least 10 years.. but it was cool.. these Black men do it! powerful group.. i felt honored to be included.. we ignored the game for the first 3 quarters as we talked about everything.. they were schoolin' me, and they said i was schoolin' them (not too sure about that, but hey).. we talked about life.. and then i realized how good my life was.. how i didn't need to hide from the world.. how i could just live.. i was living.. i had to let the negative stuff go.. i had to let the signs go.. they told me how business can humble us and make us stronger, and that things would be getting better soon.. i truly believed them.. they talked about what i was doing, and how if they were doing it that early, they would be having this gathering in Dubai or something.. made me feel good.. didn't put any more bread in my pocket, but still made me feel good..

so we were talking until 3:30 this morning.. crazy.. didn't get back home until after 4am.. but it was all worth it.. and here i am again, back at it.. believing more in me than anything else.. getting my swagger back.. about to go hard yet again.. rainy day or not.. i'm gettin' it.. trust me on that.. so, say hello to the bad guy..

no more bitchassness for me..

i'm baaaaaaaaack!!