Big Foot..

so, a bit ago i was out in LA.. while i was out there, i needed a massage.. in the worst way.. ya boy was stressed.. was also tired and my body needed some attention.. so, i heard a lot about the Thai Massage.. and it was cheap.. $45 cheap.. but again, i heard from a lot of people (credible people) that this was the way to go.. so i find one..

now, i know a lot of you are thinking about Happy Endings.. so was i.. and a lot of those places do cater to the Happy Ending crowd.. now, i'm a fan of happy endings, but i wasn't looking for that.. i just needed somebody to abuse me in a pleasant way, and for cheap..

so i find a spot in Hollywood.. i make the appointment.. let's bypass the fact that i got lost and dang near tore up the rental car.. forget all that.. i get there.. finally.. immediately Mr. Miyagi greets me.. he then points to the license that he has signifying that his place of business is legit..

pause..

business owners.. please don't do this.. i'm not concerned about your credentials by the time i get to your establishment.. the fact that you point out a license that is above the door that i walked in (i.e. i had to turn around and look up to see the license), and it is barely visible, is a problem.. i can't see the date or even what the license says, so then i'm made to be more skeptical..

unpause..

i say cool.. i give him my money (we have to prepay) and the tip.. i'm getting all of that out the way, plus i want the person hammering out the kinks to know so that maybe i can get a few more minutes beyond the hour that i've paid for..

so he ushers me back to these small cubby holes.. these joints sneak up on you.. as soon as you turn the corner, you see a serious of these holes.. before each hole there is a small step that you have to use to get in.. most people miss this step.. it's dark.. i know i missed it and banged my knee right into the bed that i didn't realize was a bed.. so obviously i would need some extra work on my knee area to compensate for this bed taking my knee out..

so what you have to do is pretty much crawl into this bed.. thanks for telling me that before i lost this next season in the NBA.. truly appreciated..

then a lady comes by and provides me with some boxer shorts to put on, as i was told to strip down and put them on.. umm.. no.. first of all, why am i putting on someone else's boxers when i have my own.. actually i was wearing boxer briefs, but still.. so i put these boxers on over my boxer briefs.. i don't need coodies like that chick that worked at McD's that i talked about.. not happening.. so there i am, laying down in this bed w/ extra support for my man region..

in comes the lady that is about to hammer out the kinks.. personally, i don't like looking at the women that work on my body.. i like to just assume i have this fine woman working on me.. i don't need to know that the chick working on me is the lady from "Misery".. nah, i'm good..

so i'm laying on my stomach.. she comes in and starts to work.. now a Thai massage is different.. it's a mixture of swedish and some flexy exy stuff.. contortion.. something like that.. but i heard it works wonders.. so there she was, doing what she does.. i'm a human pretzel.. cool..

then towards the end of my back portion, i feel A LOT of pressure on my hamstring.. A LOT.. it feels like someone is standing on my hamstring.. my eyes are closed.. plus the cubby hole is maybe 5' high.. so it can't be that.. then i'm thinking that this chick turned into the Incredible Hulk in minutes.. as i struggle to figure out how i made her that mad that she turned into the Hulk, i tried to take a sneak peek.. i couldn't see her.. she was angled just enough that i couldn't see her or move my head to see her.. as i tried to man up and not let her know that i was in pain, i just kept thinking "this chick is standing on my legs, she's not that strong"..

next thing i know, i'm being told to sit up.. phew! the pain was over.. i manned up.. made it through the Hulk experience.. i'm now looking at this chick that is about 4'8".. still in awe of her superhuman strength.. she asks me to sit up.. she then puts me in a WWF (not a WWE) move where she grabs my arms from behind to stretch me..

then it happens..

she puts her foot on my thigh for leverage.. it just happened to feel the same way as the hands that were laid on me that felt like the Hulk.. but then i look at her foot on some "this chick just put her toes all on my thigh!!".. then i notice that this chick's foot is wide as hell!! the biggest little foot i've ever seen in my life.. her toes were wide and flexible.. this messed up my whole experience, as i started to think about how big her foot was.. then i started to realize that the chick actually was standing on my hamstrings!!

this was too much.. but i was a pretzel at this point and was at her mercy.. i started to feel pain and pressure that i never felt before.. i was confused.. i was also amazed at her strength.. here i am, a dude that can do some fictional pushups, and this dwarf has me hemmed up, and i can't do nothing.. can't cry, can't scream, can't move.. i was scared to do any of that.. i just kept thinking, "this is a blog waiting to happen"..

all the while, more people came in down the small hall.. more people blew out their knees with the cubby hole structure.. this one Black chick came in and was telling the person what not to do.. she knew.. she had it all figured out.. she told her person that she didn't want to be walked or stepped on..

i knew it!! they walk on us.. this is some revenge thing.. they walk all over us, cuz they can.. some psychological payback.. it was crazy..

so this was all going through my head.. and then it was over.. and you know what? it was the best massage i ever had!! stepped on.. bent up.. confused.. blown knees.. big foot.. everything.. my body felt good.. i dream about Big Foot now.. it exists.. and it's a dwarf Thai chick that makes a living in Los Angeles..

don't believe me? try it yourself!!