Off My Game..

thanks to my boy/best friend/business partner/financial genius - J - i'm getting back into the game.. like everybody else, for the last 1 1/2 years i've been chasing the next dollar.. i've been acting like the donkey chasing the carrot.. forgetting all that i learned before this economic crash..

i'm where i am for a reason.. i got to where i was for a reason.. over the last 1 1/2 years, i forgot that reason.. i forgot myself.. i was Bush.. when the levees broke.. i was FEMA.. i was all of the above.. i was thinking about quick fixes, so i converted my style to those quick fixes.. started using duct tape for everything.. and i mean EVERYTHING.. money issues? duct tape.. family issues? duct tape.. bill collectors? the gas face..

but yesterday, it changed.. my boy left his laptop at the crib, so he had to travel a minute to go back to get it then back to the office.. he's in Cali and rises early like me.. so he used that "gas mistake" to reach out to me.. and i needed it.. had a big meeting in 2 hours prior to his call.. i told him about it.. he was cool for a second.. on some "cool, yea, umm, hope that works out for you".. then a few minutes later, he treated me like he was my step-pops.. you know how your "later" family will tell you like it is, w/o sparing feelings? well, he did it.. stopped me in mid-sentence on some "stop it.. STFU.." well, he didn't use those words, but he might as well have.. lol..

he goes into making me looking in a mirror.. a time capsule mirror.. making me realize the dumb moves i was making just to get that next large check.. not self-sustaining checks, but those "start Fuzion" checks.. lol.. he was right.. and those were some stupid moves.. really stupid moves.. i mean, to others, they weren't necessarily that.. but for someone that worked as hard as i did to get where i was, it was stupid.. he called it "community service".. i agreed.. i was doing things that i could do w/ my eyes closed, but was FAR from where i needed to be.. later, after i told him that the meeting didn't go too well, he texted me telling me to get back to playing in the NBA, and that i'm no longer a HS all-star..

point taken..

i say all of this to say that i'm back.. i got the smack, and now i'm back.. damn, that sounded like a page out of Jesse Jackson's book.. didn't mean for that to happen.. but, i am.. gonna take a couple weeks and figure some things out.. obviously i don't have a couple weeks, but i'm going to do that.. i'm going to sit down, right the ship, and get back into being the Street CEO.. don't take that as a bad thing.. all that means (for me), is that i'm going to be myself, in my own image, and knock down doors that i already opened.. so, if i have on some jeans and a button up w/ some nice shoes (not kicks, but shoes), that just means that i'm back.. i might have a hat on too..

although i've been the Street CEO about 3 times a month, i left it, because my patience wasn't there.. i was tired of the BS.. on those days, i made things happen for other people, but not really for myself.. i walked in, did what i was supposed to do, and walked out.. each time w/o a check for me.. it was a check for someone else, but not for me..

but i'm back in the gym now.. working on my game for the next 2 weeks.. my own training camp.. it's time to get it back.. it's time to be back.. shoot, Barack is the President..

i'm just sayin'..

Some Next Ish..

who knows..

who knows what this blog will end up being about, but i'm glad to have you following.. i'm back on my meds, and this is my therapy.. the written word.. so much been going on.. business issues.. family issues.. and everything that falls in between.. right now, it's all BS.. lies on top of lies.. sometimes i feel like i'm living a lie.. not on purpose, but just on some hidden camera real life experience ish.. like, somebody already made plans for my life, and i wasn't hip to the game (dang i sounded old saying "hip to the game")..

i'm serious, though.. i'm breaking my back getting stuff together.. meeting w/ all types of ppl to figure out this lie of a life i appear to be living.. and i feel like i stopped lying.. lol.. that's the ironic part.. as a business man and owner, you learn to tell the lies that you have to in order to be successful.. not on some "i make a million dollars" type of lies or "i'm the best that ever did it" type of lies, but more on the "i never had an employee named T Bags" or something like that.. just something small to distance yourself from random ridiculousness.. wait, are things that are ridiculous usually random? sheeit, i don't know.. anyway..

i feel like lately, everybody and everything around me doesn't seem real.. i get a call from the Aldermen to meet to discuss biz, only to get there and see that there is a line of ppl complaining about fire hydrants, their next door neighbors, or the annoying stray cat that walks around barking like a dog.. i don't know.. but, then i'm placed in that position and then forced to act like i'm "too good for lines".. well, that part is true, i am too good for lines.. even if its in my own mind and in my own reality, it's still my truth.. so yea, then i'm calling ppl out, and saying "nah, i'm not here to wait for a 15 minute slot. i'm hear to discuss business. if i can't then i'll roll"..

see that's where i look "bougee" (yes, i know how to spell the word - keep it moving).. cuz i had those workers scrambling to figure out how to make me happy, and they did.. i got my meeting set up, and i was out the door.. but, from an appearance stance, i looked like an asshole to some and like a true business man to others.. i literally told this Aldermen's assistant that "i don't need to have this meeting, i'm already good w/ the Mayor and other Aldermen".. now, that's all true, but i didn't want to have to play that card.. they forced me too.. from something that stemmed from a lie (i.e. Aldermen wants to meet with you on this day at this time)..

then i'll have money lies.. even joints i've used myself.. check is in the mail.. waiting for money to clear.. etc.. we've all done it.. i stopped doing it, on some "it's whateva get off my phone" ish, but now i see EVERYONE is doing it!! i mean EVERYONE.. i can only smile (except for the times when i'm trying to get my money).. when it comes to money, everyone is on some do for self ish right now.. i can't say that i blame them, cuz once my cashflow is back to where it should be, please believe that if i don't consider you close, then from a money perspective i'm treating you like a long lost relative that resurfaced after i won the lottery.. i've had bank execs tell me they want to do something, then turn around and ask to borrow a dollar.. it's crazy..

i've dealt w/ family stuff (i'm going through some deep family ish) and turned around and was like "damn, are we family?", cuz the person i was talking to morphed into someone else.. i'm close to the point of only talking to like 3 ppl in my family.. no lie.. and my mom ain't even 1 of those 3!! it's crazy..

that's why i'm thinking that i'm in the Truman Show (google it).. thought i made moves to right the ship, and realized i was on the wrong ship.. got on another ship, then realized that we never left the dock..

shoot, i went to do a television interview only to find out that the reporter forgot that we (Blacks) were free (based on his appearance and speech).. then i turn to the tv and watch America's Got Talent and see a dude from the south that can sing, but before he started singing, i said "dude sounds like he's still a slave", only for this negro to start singing a slave song!! i can't make this us.. shoot, that reporter i talked about? this dude had a show called "My Guests Ain't Guessin'".. i shit you not! i busted out in laughter on camera when he said that.. looked around the set like "is he serious?".. then realized he was and then i was on some "oh hell nah, give me the papers, cuz i'm putting my own clause in this piece that says - WILL NEVER BE AIRED".. it was crazy.. dude wearing a wool suit straight off the back of sheep.. in 100 degree weather..

shoot, this is a rant, and i can go on and on, but i'll stop.. i'm just hoping that i one day wake up from this lie and i'm 4 years younger but still have the lessons learned from this nightmare..

i'm just sayin'..

When the Pen Hits the Paper..

Awwwwww shhhhhhh…

This is a reality rap.. Yeah, I’m a rapper right now.. No bars, no hooks.. No beats, no soundtracks.. Just a reintroduction.. Our prophets are now supposed to be those wearing fake chains and having the hottest looking asian-influenced woman on our arm.. Well, picture me as just that, because I have a lot on my mind that I have to get off.. I’m the mad rapper.. I’m the hip-hop professor.. Sorry Michael Eric Dyson.. You owe me anyway..

Life has been crazy.. Too crazy.. From the bottom to the top, and back down to the bottom.. Then back to the top.. My rap moniker is now Phoenix.. And that has so many subliminal messages to it that it should be part of the Wu-Tang Clan.. Y’all will catch that in 2020.. Life hasn’t been easy.. Some days I’m Shawn Carter, other days I’m Jay-Z.. Some days I’m Shawn Carter from 1992, which means that on those days I have nothing.. My worth on those days are defined like a 18 year old McDonald’s All-American.. It’s all based on potential.. Realized potential, if that makes sense.. On those days, on the inside I feel like an allusion of myself.. On those days, on the outside I am exactly who everyone expects me to be..

The reality hits.. The best-of albums.. The mixtape massacres.. It's all there.. Some get released, some get tabled.. But let's get back to the reality hits..

And this is tough.. Discussing reality when no one really buys that reality.. The reality is that everybody is struggling.. The reality is that my own expectations are higher than your expectations of me.. The reality is that no one will allow me to talk “nonsense”.. Meaning, no one wants to hear me talk about dwindling marketing accounts, broke professional athletes, and artists that need much more than they actually realize.. I’m not talking about my own, either.. I’m talking about the way it is.. My bad, I mean, no one wants to hear me rapping about my mother's ills, my sister's struggles, or my own personal demons.. My biggest obstacle is my own success.. And I have nothing or no one to blame for that.. I craved it.. I desired it.. I embodied it.. On some days, I fed it.. Beyonce’s “Ego” song might be part of my issue.. On some level, ego plays into it.. Never letting them see you sweat.. Never painting the whole picture.. Never saying never..

I’m not sure that’s my problem, though.. I’m not sure what the problem is on most days.. Some days I look up to the sky and ask why.. Other days I look up to the sky and scream “**** the world, don’t ask me for ****”.. Am I talking to God? Why wouldn’t i? Some days I look down below and ask would it be worse down there? Other days I look down below and realize that down below is just a mirror reflection of my life.. Hell is no different from the present.. At least that’s what I feel on those days..

But then I have to snap out of it, and smile for my family.. Smile for my clients.. Smile for my fans.. You know, the ones that are no longer buying my album.. Work hard for everyone, but myself.. I can’t be working hard for myself and still be feeling like this.. I don’t question the Lord.. That’s not my style.. My bad, not my steez.. It just can’t be.. I can’t allow that.. Knaa’mean?! I might be blocking my blessings.. Knaa’mean?? My rap alter-ego wants to scream “Bless Deez”.. My phone is always buzzing.. Another hand out.. Someone else’s and mine.. Cuz when I put my hand back in my pocket, all I feel is lint.. That’s the reality.. Money comes in and goes right back out.. Sometimes money comes in, and it gets jacked.. Bills, bills, and more bills.. Sometimes my days are like hearing Destiny’s Child play on repeat.. Same song, different day.. But the tape won’t pop.. When I take it out, I realize that the tape is indestructible.. It’s wild..

I help more than I harm.. I help more than I harm.. I help more than I harm.. So why can’t I get help?? Why is no one listening? Ok, let me take that back.. I get help.. I get bailed out.. But even that bailout comes w/ steep consequences, and recently those consequences come in the form of what feels like a loan shark.. When I think the coast is clear, I walk out and there is a spotlight on me.. Can you hear the violins playing??

All I know is that it gotta change.. Quickly.. Or I’m leaving the game.. On some Ready to Die ish.. I can’t deal w/ these rap dudes no more.. No promoters.. No labels.. Nothing.. I’m giving it one final shot.. And I’m hoping it will not be like MJ’s last shot or even Hov’s.. Just Q..