My Rules..

in the spirit of Bill Maher, i'm coming up with my own take on New Rules.. if y'all don't know what i'm talking about, then you've missed one of the best shows on TV for some years now.. follow along.. you'll get it once you start reading them..

MY RULES:

1. Sequels should have to follow the previous movie.. Also, a prequel is not a sequel..

• First it was Scorpion King 2.. garbage.. hot garbage.. while it had something to do with Scorpion King, it was produced by a different company, directed by somebody who has no eye for talent, and it was a prequel!! it wasn't a sequel.. figure out a different naming convention.. joint was poop.. straight poop..
• Belly 2.. garbage.. not necessarily hot, but still garbage.. first, it had NOTHING to do with the original Belly.. i liked that movie.. it's one of my favorite movies.. yes, Nas' acting was horrible, and so was T-Boz and a bunch of others, but the movie had a story.. a plot.. i could follow it, even if i had to mute certain scenes.. i liked it.. a hood classic.. but Belly 2? with The Game?? come on now.. that joint was pitiful.. first of all it was made without anyone knowing it was made.. then it popped up on DVD.. had us all amped (ok, maybe not amped) to see it.. it was 1st on my Netflix Queue.. garbage.. they should be ashamed of themselves..

1. Blogger needs to fix its' numbering system.. i'm just saying..

• why does it pick up at #1 again? sigh..

1. Animals need to find ways to make money

• if i'm in a recession, so are you.. pets need to make their own dang money.. my cat was better when times were better.. he was more active.. he played more games.. had more tricks up his sleeve.. now? with the recession.. this dude is lazy.. he's getting the same treatment, but he's doing less.. i don't get it.. a fly will be right in front of him, and he'll just ignore it.. what's up with that?? a fly will have to walk to him - not fly, but walk - for him to even react to it.. then he'll catch it, and just let it go.. what's with that? i call it laziness.. and i'm thinking that if he's going to be lazy, then he needs to have an income..

1. Magazines need to change their name to "Ads with a couple stories"..

• every month i'm seeing more ads and less content/news in the magazines that i like.. that's cool.. gotta make your money.. but let's stop fooling ourselves.. those are no longer news magazines.. not current events.. nothing.. those are ad books.. if your first story starts on page 78, then you are no longer qualified to be a magazine..

1. No more taking pics of your baby on the phone, nor sending them to a person's phone..

• i'm going to catch hell for this, but y'all need to stop.. i've had too many baby pics recently be sent to me via email and on my blackberry.. those pics made the babies look like aliens.. that's at least what i'm claiming, cuz i can't believe a baby would have a head that's bigger than its entire body.. and that's what i've been seeing.. i'm ignorant.. ignant.. i don't know any better.. i see those pics (and they can be family too), and i'm ready to disown that family member.. on some, "nah, b, that baby ain't no kin to me!".. i know y'all don't believe me, but i showed a few to some friends, and they co-signed it.. they thought i was just talking trash until they saw them for themselves.. babies looking like extras from the new X-Files movie.. i'm just sayin'..
  

More Focus Material

click above.. more classic material.. y'all gotta peep the dude Ankh Rah doing some type of worm while they're singing "End of the Road".. classic..

btw, Focus, is going to be a new blog series of funny stuff i find on the net.. i got a list of joints, but i'm trying not to flood y'all..

I Am Not Barack

the family might (and should be) off-limits to Barack and his campaign people, but i am not Barack.. i believe the media should not research the family, but discuss the implications of the issues surrounding the family.. they should do it in the manner in which they have gone through Barack's family.. i want you dissecting things the same way you dissected the air that Barack breathes..

i'm not insensitive, but don't try to call me stupid to my face and get away with it.. that ain't happening.. the same way i caught up with that dude that owed me money, i'm catching up with you.. i don't believe the hype (spin).. i'm sorry, but i don't.. if it was no big secret, why did you have your 5 month pregnant high school senior (barely) daughter holding your baby the entire time? why was she hiding that? if it's not an issue, why keep that hidden.. let it be what it is.. she is a product of you.. you're (Sarah Palin) against abortion, contraceptives, etc, and now i see why you have a Goof Troop and bball squad in your family.. that's cool.. my older families have 5 on 5's so i ain't knocking that..

but i am having issues trying to figure out how you can do it all.. i do have an issue of you pretty much demanding your daughter to have the child and marry the father.. the boy came out on his MySpace talking differently.. so, something is definitely fishy in Alaska.. i'm just sayin'.. and i'm sorry, but that's not off-limits.. if you said they are getting married and they are happy, and he comes out and says something different, that is news.. that shows another crack.. that at least shows something to be concerned about, when it comes to families and the family value issue.. i'm not going to say you are forcing your child down this path, but the body of work is pretty much saying that..

more than that, i'm having an issue trying to figure out how this is going to work.. i know my family is different.. i know cultures are different.. but, i do recall that when you have a young teenage mother, usually the majority of the work, heartache, and stress falls on the grandma.. that would be you Gov. Palin.. with your Goof Troop and your baby (suffering from something that's not a joke), i'm not sure that you can or can't effectively do your job.. coming from a strong Black woman, i'm not going to question the resolve of a woman.. ok, maybe some.. but i know women can do extraordinary things.. i've seen it.. time and time again.. but VP? i know my mom went to work some days and messed stuff up, just remembering things that me and my siblings did at home.. that happens.. that's life.. but umm, at that high of a position, with a dude that looks and sounds like he's ready to go at any moment?? i'm not too sure.. dude might still have some type of post-i-was-abused-for-a-long-time-in-somebodys-war syndrome.. Manchurian Candidate type ish.. i have no clue.. but i ain't doubting it.. esp' cuz this old dude swears he is young and can roll with Daddy Yankee.. some call that a senior moment.. others call it an end of life crisis.. i'm just saying..

this isn't about whether a working mom can effectively do her job or be a VP.. nah, this is about that and the fact that the chick has a gang of issues internally and will be second in command, and could potentially have to take the seat in January if she won, cuz i'm not sure McCain's heart can hold up that long.. there is something about just having that look and aura, as well, and neither of them has it.. Palin definitely doesn't have it.. she hit it on the head with that hockey mom stuff.. i see that.. a VP? i don't see that.. put them both in the box.. they shouldn't play anymore..

Democratic Nomination Concert

oops.. my bad..

so let me go ahead and eat my own words.. a Nerd Convention may be how it started, but it definitely ended as a concert.. last night i witnessed history.. something bigger than all of us.. i wish i was there.. that was a moment.. our moment.. our history being made.. and it felt so good..

i saw some of the lead up.. will.i.am and john legend getting their Spliff Star meets Marvin Gaye on.. but then i skipped the rest.. until 10PM EST.. as they say: "then it happened"..

in front of a reported 84,000 people (but it could be more as that placed looked as packed as the opening for the Beijing Olympics) a man appeared.. The Man appeared.. The Next President appeared.. Barack Obama was home.. cuz he owns this place.. the United States of America is his..

i don't know about y'all but for the first time in my life i felt proud of my next President.. i was happy with Billy, but i didn't really know much about him.. not as much as i know about Barack.. so i felt a closeness.. yea, the Chicago thing didn't hurt.. him being Black didn't hurt either.. but after that moment.. that speech.. those words? yeah, i was proud.. That Dude stood up there and straight killed it.. ripped into Bush and McCain.. made me proud.. i mean got at him..

see, the thing i love about Barack is that no matter how powerful his speeches are.. no matter how moved you are witnessing and hearing his words, it actually gets better.. it gets better when you have the opportunity to read his words.. his speeches.. you see exactly how gifted this Man is.. for me it started when i read when he did the Commencement at Northwestern a few years ago.. Killed it.. i felt good that my alma mater had him.. and that he delivered arguably the best speech there, ever.. yea, i said it.. ever.. so, i can't wait to read his speech.. i have some moments that i memorized, but dang if i don't memorize that whole joint like i did MLK Jr's..

i'm not comparing the 2 speeches, but i do feel moved by them.. Barack's had so much power in it.. along with the intellect and wittiness that we all love about him.. but it was the power.. him "going in" on Bush and McCain.. it was him showing the power to state exactly what he will do, so you're not left confused.. it was him defending himself.. i mean, when he led you down that track where he was saying how they knock his experience.. knock his pedigree, etc.. that set-up was as good as it gets.. maybe some of y'all knew where he was going with it, but i sure didn't.. i thought he was about to start stating his case on how that's wrong.. but nah, not Mr. President.. nah.. he don't go for that.. no-u-o, ahh, no can do.. he flipped it and said, that's ok, cuz it was never about him.. it was about us.. can anyone say Oscar? Grammy? can that speech be put up for lead role? can it be the best single of all time?? i'm just sayin'..

this dude hit us w/ so many lines, that everybody is officially straight..

that picture up there? that's courtesy of the NY Times.. that was outside of the stadium.. those were some of the 1,000s that couldn't get in, cuz they packed it past capacity.. but that picture paints the story.. one America.. one People.. one Choice..

Barack "My Dude" Obama..

That Dude..

i gotta give it up to my man, Common.. his new video/song "Announcement" is my joint right now.. i won't front, he's where i want to be.. nah, not on the rapping ish, but just on being able to stake claim to Chicago like he does.. pound for pound, he is Chicago.. the way he has gone about this is how i want to go about this.. i want everybody to know where i'm from.. yeah, i have the whole NYC thing going with the accent, but talk long enough with me and my "twang" will come out.. and i still say Pop!! what??

i love my city.. Chicago.. Chicagoan.. Blowing like Chicago Wind.. South Side..

Announcement

Bad Business

ok, i've been on my blogging game recently.. i guess i got my swagger back.. whateva..

but, this is a truthful fiction story.. meaning that i won't expose names, etc, but the story is the truth.. my adlibs and jokes are fictional, but they were thoughts running through my head..

ok, so y'all know that i feel that as Black people, we have mastered the art of bad service.. i also believe that we've mastered bad business.. that includes practices, looks, methodologies, everything.. we mastered it.. that's not to say we can't or don't get it right when we want to.. some of our businesses are good.. some of our business minds are excellent.. but a lot just don't cut it..

so i was trying to get somebody to provide their sales pitch to me.. oh this was a sales pitch that was wrong from the start.. let's just say i needed a gym membership.. so i go to the spot, and i try to get them to upsell me on the membership by offering my own dedicated locker.. they have stuff that come with them.. so i go in there and ask the dude to give me the pitch.. dude is confused.. you would've thought that i asked him to give me all of his banking information or something, cuz dude was lost.. after 3 tries, he understood.. so here he goes..

he tells me that with the membership and locker, i get a discount on things that i buy there.. that's cool, but keep in mind that i don't buy nothing there.. nothing is of use to me there.. the shirts are from 1988.. they don't even fit me.. shrunk down to the size of Midget Mac or something.. then he tells me that when Nike comes in to do presentations, that they often leave him with empty boxes for Nike.. told me that he can give me a couple of those empty boxes so that i can put my own non-Nike shoes in them.. ridiculous.. so he's 0-for-2 right now with these "perks"..

then he tells me that they are considering giving people the opportunity to not only hand in comment cards to reflect on my membership experience, but that i will also have the opportunity to tell it to their faces, cuz they want to smell my breath.. yea, didn't make sense to me either.. i mean, i can just tell them that any time.. why do i have to wait for a special meeting? how do you know that i care enough? can't a brother just get a locker and go about his business? i just don't feel like bring my toiletries and stuff every dang time.. that's all a brother wanted..

the next part was payment.. see, supposedly the cost went up for the lockers.. but then others told me how much they were paying.. but the dude told me a different cost.. so i had to address that.. and it was addressed with no problem.. i could get the lockers for the same cost as others did.. no ish, sherlock.. then i could pay over time.. or i could pay it all in advance..

pause..

i don't know about y'all, but i ain't paying for nothing in full if i ain't getting everything at that time.. payment plans work for me.. plus, this gym might close next month, and my membership lasts for a year.. what good is a membership that ain't valid?

un-pause..

so here i am, making this dude sweat.. it's hotter than Africa in this piece, so that didn't take much.. his sales pitch was going down faster than Richard Simmons.. i'm just saying.. i was getting frustrated listening.. with my patience fried, i started to help out.. i re-did his sales pitch.. told him how he probably should come at other people for this membership and locker.. and my last parting shot was just to tell him that next month, i'd like for him to try it on me again.. for now, i'll just bring my toiletries..

so people, get your game together.. don't say you're a marketer, and then come up with the wackest idea ever.. don't say you're a business dude but have never heard of "sales pitch".. i mean it happens, but don't make it so obvious.. we all have our days.. our moments.. shoot, i recall one of the best moments at my business.. some chick gave one of the worst ideas ever.. i mean ever.. and did it like she was Billy Clinton or something.. hand gestures, facial expressions, everything.. the only thing that saved her from the ridicule was that the client was there, and they found her VERY attractive.. that's it.. she was lucky.. but she never was in with another client.. and truth be told, she wasn't working w/ us for too much longer.. shoot, i was people's boss, and i couldn't even get them to work with her.. i think they would rather have quit than to have to deal with her.. so we all have our days, our moments.. but even in those moments, you can separate the real from the fake..

step your game up.. please..

i'm just sayin'..

Babies Making Babies..

a damn shame..

WE GOTTA DO BETTA!

i'm sick of y'all..