Off My Game..

thanks to my boy/best friend/business partner/financial genius - J - i'm getting back into the game.. like everybody else, for the last 1 1/2 years i've been chasing the next dollar.. i've been acting like the donkey chasing the carrot.. forgetting all that i learned before this economic crash..

i'm where i am for a reason.. i got to where i was for a reason.. over the last 1 1/2 years, i forgot that reason.. i forgot myself.. i was Bush.. when the levees broke.. i was FEMA.. i was all of the above.. i was thinking about quick fixes, so i converted my style to those quick fixes.. started using duct tape for everything.. and i mean EVERYTHING.. money issues? duct tape.. family issues? duct tape.. bill collectors? the gas face..

but yesterday, it changed.. my boy left his laptop at the crib, so he had to travel a minute to go back to get it then back to the office.. he's in Cali and rises early like me.. so he used that "gas mistake" to reach out to me.. and i needed it.. had a big meeting in 2 hours prior to his call.. i told him about it.. he was cool for a second.. on some "cool, yea, umm, hope that works out for you".. then a few minutes later, he treated me like he was my step-pops.. you know how your "later" family will tell you like it is, w/o sparing feelings? well, he did it.. stopped me in mid-sentence on some "stop it.. STFU.." well, he didn't use those words, but he might as well have.. lol..

he goes into making me looking in a mirror.. a time capsule mirror.. making me realize the dumb moves i was making just to get that next large check.. not self-sustaining checks, but those "start Fuzion" checks.. lol.. he was right.. and those were some stupid moves.. really stupid moves.. i mean, to others, they weren't necessarily that.. but for someone that worked as hard as i did to get where i was, it was stupid.. he called it "community service".. i agreed.. i was doing things that i could do w/ my eyes closed, but was FAR from where i needed to be.. later, after i told him that the meeting didn't go too well, he texted me telling me to get back to playing in the NBA, and that i'm no longer a HS all-star..

point taken..

i say all of this to say that i'm back.. i got the smack, and now i'm back.. damn, that sounded like a page out of Jesse Jackson's book.. didn't mean for that to happen.. but, i am.. gonna take a couple weeks and figure some things out.. obviously i don't have a couple weeks, but i'm going to do that.. i'm going to sit down, right the ship, and get back into being the Street CEO.. don't take that as a bad thing.. all that means (for me), is that i'm going to be myself, in my own image, and knock down doors that i already opened.. so, if i have on some jeans and a button up w/ some nice shoes (not kicks, but shoes), that just means that i'm back.. i might have a hat on too..

although i've been the Street CEO about 3 times a month, i left it, because my patience wasn't there.. i was tired of the BS.. on those days, i made things happen for other people, but not really for myself.. i walked in, did what i was supposed to do, and walked out.. each time w/o a check for me.. it was a check for someone else, but not for me..

but i'm back in the gym now.. working on my game for the next 2 weeks.. my own training camp.. it's time to get it back.. it's time to be back.. shoot, Barack is the President..

i'm just sayin'..

Some Next Ish..

who knows..

who knows what this blog will end up being about, but i'm glad to have you following.. i'm back on my meds, and this is my therapy.. the written word.. so much been going on.. business issues.. family issues.. and everything that falls in between.. right now, it's all BS.. lies on top of lies.. sometimes i feel like i'm living a lie.. not on purpose, but just on some hidden camera real life experience ish.. like, somebody already made plans for my life, and i wasn't hip to the game (dang i sounded old saying "hip to the game")..

i'm serious, though.. i'm breaking my back getting stuff together.. meeting w/ all types of ppl to figure out this lie of a life i appear to be living.. and i feel like i stopped lying.. lol.. that's the ironic part.. as a business man and owner, you learn to tell the lies that you have to in order to be successful.. not on some "i make a million dollars" type of lies or "i'm the best that ever did it" type of lies, but more on the "i never had an employee named T Bags" or something like that.. just something small to distance yourself from random ridiculousness.. wait, are things that are ridiculous usually random? sheeit, i don't know.. anyway..

i feel like lately, everybody and everything around me doesn't seem real.. i get a call from the Aldermen to meet to discuss biz, only to get there and see that there is a line of ppl complaining about fire hydrants, their next door neighbors, or the annoying stray cat that walks around barking like a dog.. i don't know.. but, then i'm placed in that position and then forced to act like i'm "too good for lines".. well, that part is true, i am too good for lines.. even if its in my own mind and in my own reality, it's still my truth.. so yea, then i'm calling ppl out, and saying "nah, i'm not here to wait for a 15 minute slot. i'm hear to discuss business. if i can't then i'll roll"..

see that's where i look "bougee" (yes, i know how to spell the word - keep it moving).. cuz i had those workers scrambling to figure out how to make me happy, and they did.. i got my meeting set up, and i was out the door.. but, from an appearance stance, i looked like an asshole to some and like a true business man to others.. i literally told this Aldermen's assistant that "i don't need to have this meeting, i'm already good w/ the Mayor and other Aldermen".. now, that's all true, but i didn't want to have to play that card.. they forced me too.. from something that stemmed from a lie (i.e. Aldermen wants to meet with you on this day at this time)..

then i'll have money lies.. even joints i've used myself.. check is in the mail.. waiting for money to clear.. etc.. we've all done it.. i stopped doing it, on some "it's whateva get off my phone" ish, but now i see EVERYONE is doing it!! i mean EVERYONE.. i can only smile (except for the times when i'm trying to get my money).. when it comes to money, everyone is on some do for self ish right now.. i can't say that i blame them, cuz once my cashflow is back to where it should be, please believe that if i don't consider you close, then from a money perspective i'm treating you like a long lost relative that resurfaced after i won the lottery.. i've had bank execs tell me they want to do something, then turn around and ask to borrow a dollar.. it's crazy..

i've dealt w/ family stuff (i'm going through some deep family ish) and turned around and was like "damn, are we family?", cuz the person i was talking to morphed into someone else.. i'm close to the point of only talking to like 3 ppl in my family.. no lie.. and my mom ain't even 1 of those 3!! it's crazy..

that's why i'm thinking that i'm in the Truman Show (google it).. thought i made moves to right the ship, and realized i was on the wrong ship.. got on another ship, then realized that we never left the dock..

shoot, i went to do a television interview only to find out that the reporter forgot that we (Blacks) were free (based on his appearance and speech).. then i turn to the tv and watch America's Got Talent and see a dude from the south that can sing, but before he started singing, i said "dude sounds like he's still a slave", only for this negro to start singing a slave song!! i can't make this us.. shoot, that reporter i talked about? this dude had a show called "My Guests Ain't Guessin'".. i shit you not! i busted out in laughter on camera when he said that.. looked around the set like "is he serious?".. then realized he was and then i was on some "oh hell nah, give me the papers, cuz i'm putting my own clause in this piece that says - WILL NEVER BE AIRED".. it was crazy.. dude wearing a wool suit straight off the back of sheep.. in 100 degree weather..

shoot, this is a rant, and i can go on and on, but i'll stop.. i'm just hoping that i one day wake up from this lie and i'm 4 years younger but still have the lessons learned from this nightmare..

i'm just sayin'..

When the Pen Hits the Paper..

Awwwwww shhhhhhh…

This is a reality rap.. Yeah, I’m a rapper right now.. No bars, no hooks.. No beats, no soundtracks.. Just a reintroduction.. Our prophets are now supposed to be those wearing fake chains and having the hottest looking asian-influenced woman on our arm.. Well, picture me as just that, because I have a lot on my mind that I have to get off.. I’m the mad rapper.. I’m the hip-hop professor.. Sorry Michael Eric Dyson.. You owe me anyway..

Life has been crazy.. Too crazy.. From the bottom to the top, and back down to the bottom.. Then back to the top.. My rap moniker is now Phoenix.. And that has so many subliminal messages to it that it should be part of the Wu-Tang Clan.. Y’all will catch that in 2020.. Life hasn’t been easy.. Some days I’m Shawn Carter, other days I’m Jay-Z.. Some days I’m Shawn Carter from 1992, which means that on those days I have nothing.. My worth on those days are defined like a 18 year old McDonald’s All-American.. It’s all based on potential.. Realized potential, if that makes sense.. On those days, on the inside I feel like an allusion of myself.. On those days, on the outside I am exactly who everyone expects me to be..

The reality hits.. The best-of albums.. The mixtape massacres.. It's all there.. Some get released, some get tabled.. But let's get back to the reality hits..

And this is tough.. Discussing reality when no one really buys that reality.. The reality is that everybody is struggling.. The reality is that my own expectations are higher than your expectations of me.. The reality is that no one will allow me to talk “nonsense”.. Meaning, no one wants to hear me talk about dwindling marketing accounts, broke professional athletes, and artists that need much more than they actually realize.. I’m not talking about my own, either.. I’m talking about the way it is.. My bad, I mean, no one wants to hear me rapping about my mother's ills, my sister's struggles, or my own personal demons.. My biggest obstacle is my own success.. And I have nothing or no one to blame for that.. I craved it.. I desired it.. I embodied it.. On some days, I fed it.. Beyonce’s “Ego” song might be part of my issue.. On some level, ego plays into it.. Never letting them see you sweat.. Never painting the whole picture.. Never saying never..

I’m not sure that’s my problem, though.. I’m not sure what the problem is on most days.. Some days I look up to the sky and ask why.. Other days I look up to the sky and scream “**** the world, don’t ask me for ****”.. Am I talking to God? Why wouldn’t i? Some days I look down below and ask would it be worse down there? Other days I look down below and realize that down below is just a mirror reflection of my life.. Hell is no different from the present.. At least that’s what I feel on those days..

But then I have to snap out of it, and smile for my family.. Smile for my clients.. Smile for my fans.. You know, the ones that are no longer buying my album.. Work hard for everyone, but myself.. I can’t be working hard for myself and still be feeling like this.. I don’t question the Lord.. That’s not my style.. My bad, not my steez.. It just can’t be.. I can’t allow that.. Knaa’mean?! I might be blocking my blessings.. Knaa’mean?? My rap alter-ego wants to scream “Bless Deez”.. My phone is always buzzing.. Another hand out.. Someone else’s and mine.. Cuz when I put my hand back in my pocket, all I feel is lint.. That’s the reality.. Money comes in and goes right back out.. Sometimes money comes in, and it gets jacked.. Bills, bills, and more bills.. Sometimes my days are like hearing Destiny’s Child play on repeat.. Same song, different day.. But the tape won’t pop.. When I take it out, I realize that the tape is indestructible.. It’s wild..

I help more than I harm.. I help more than I harm.. I help more than I harm.. So why can’t I get help?? Why is no one listening? Ok, let me take that back.. I get help.. I get bailed out.. But even that bailout comes w/ steep consequences, and recently those consequences come in the form of what feels like a loan shark.. When I think the coast is clear, I walk out and there is a spotlight on me.. Can you hear the violins playing??

All I know is that it gotta change.. Quickly.. Or I’m leaving the game.. On some Ready to Die ish.. I can’t deal w/ these rap dudes no more.. No promoters.. No labels.. Nothing.. I’m giving it one final shot.. And I’m hoping it will not be like MJ’s last shot or even Hov’s.. Just Q..

Too Long..

yea, yea, yea..

i know, i know, i know..

i'm the worst blogger in terms of consistency.. i make promises that i never keep.. i start concepts that i never keep going.. but y'all gotta give me a break.. we have a new President.. Hope is on the horizon.. hopefully i'll get my blogging act together and be more consistent..

i'll tell you what, though.. i do write blogs.. daily.. they are just in my head.. maybe i'm the Hov of blogging.. yeah, that's it.. i'm the Hov of blogging.. i don't write it down until i'm ready to drop the album.. so that can be every 6 months or so that i go back into the booth (i.e. blogger.com), but i promise not to drop duds..

anyway, too much is going on and not enough time.. def' not enough money, but who's pinching pennies?? well, who wants to count the pennies that they are pinching??

explain this to me.. how is it that as you get older Christmas becomes more and more expensive for you.. how is it that your grown siblings and family expect bigger and better gifts from you? what is that about? i swear my mom grows her Christmas Wish List exponentially.. it ain't fair.. i can total up the last 10 Christmas' and i'm dang sure that the amount that i spent in those 10 years for my mom is more than the 16 or so that she spent on me growing up.. shoot, i'll venture to say that it's more than me and my siblings combined.. what is that about?? flights, jewelry, food, trips.. really? did i ever get a trip to Disney World when i was a kid?? shoot, i would've love to get outta the South Side to a warmer place.. i'm just sayin'..

what about Turkey Day? maybe when i have a nice crib and room for 25 people will i appreciate this day more.. right now (and since i could remember) it always seems like more of a hassle.. it starts from the family.. who's house are we having it at? at what age is it acceptable and be grown and not have to go home for it? who's preparing what? man, so many questions.. the biggest one is, who is cleaning up?? cuz that's what i'm looking for in the future.. ain't no way i'm having 25 ppl in my spot and not have help cooking AND cleaning.. nuh uh.. ain't happening.. everybody is working.. if not, it'll be a scene from "Martin".. tellin' everybody to "get to steppin'!".. i'm just sayin'..

so, yeah, as you can see, i'm VERY excited about the holiday period.. VERY.. i'm disappearing.. y'all don't believe me? ask my mom.. i sent her an email and told her that i'd reconnect with her after the holiday period, cuz i needed a break.. yup, i said it.. i treated my mom like she was a business associate.. i'm sorry, it sounds harsh, but i just needed some me time.. is that too much to ask?? she knows i love her.. so stop screwing your face up at me!!

Chicago Style

i'm still nearly speechless.. after literally losing my voice in the streets of Harlem, USA, i find myself operating on 2 1/2 hours of sleep.. and i never felt better (aside from this pounding headache)..

i get to go home today.. ironically, i'm heading to Chicago today, and i have no clue how i will feel.. i spent all of last night shedding tears of joy and screaming.. forces buses, taxis and cars to honk their horns after Barack was elected our first Black President.. damn.. Black President.. stuff sounds crazy.. but there we were.. Fuzion had an event all day yesterday to watch the results come in.. that night was something that i couldn't describe.. as we watched the inevitable happen, we were puffing cigars and drinking Johnny Walker Blue (don't try that at home, folks).. realizing that the numbers were about to come in for Barack.. seeing him first take control of the senate.. then seeing 293 pop on the screen, showing that he exceeded (later trounced) the 270 that was needed to secure the Presidency..

we went crazy.. i felt like Coach Jimmy V running around looking for someone to hug.. i picked Superstar up like she weighed 2 pounds.. i was hugging and kissing and pounding up everybody in sight.. grown men were crying.. i teared up, but didn't have the waterworks.. not cuz i was ashamed, just because my joy was limiting the amount of moisture streaming from my eyes.. i was laughing and smiling and crying.. and it never felt so good..

i ran out into the street.. the MIDDLE of the street.. i didn't care.. a few blocks away on 125th street they were doing the same.. with news cameras everywhere.. they had that.. we locked down 116th.. i was screaming at cars.. screaming at people on the street.. hugging more white folk than i probably have in my entire life.. i was telling men that i loved them.. men that i didn't know.. literally..

"i don't know you, but i love you!!"

i called my Man C3, and was yelling and he probably wasn't understanding anything i was saying as i was at the highest level of ADHD as possible.. cars were blaring the Obama "A Milli" remix.. i was yelling it.. i was in the street for nearly 45 minutes.. NON-STOP.. this was unbelievable..

i thought about my family.. those that passed, and those that are still here.. i thought about my future family.. i thought about being able to have a child born under a Black President.. i thought of everything at the same time.. i thought of burying the hatchett with people that i don't like.. i thought that my credit was good.. i thought i had the bank account of Oprah.. i thought of everything.. and even believed it for a second..

i thought of how after it was announced, everyone in that room came to me about making some things happen.. they asked me to lead it.. some big things.. where we use our collective power and expertise to do something big.. something so big that i can't even talk about it.. but i felt good, cuz they gave me the keys to make it happen.. the youngest guy in the room.. 4th youngest period in the room.. that made me feel good.. made me feel like for a change, a lot of us will use this extra inspiration to fully tap into our potential.. that alone is good enough for me.. that alone makes me so proud.. that alone makes the world see the power that one Man has..

it takes me to that scene in Malcolm X when he put his hand up and pointed and had everyone walk in unison.. only to have po-po remark that no man should have that much power.. well, World, that Man has arrived..

his name is Barack Obama.. the 44th President of the United States of America..

Tales from the Booth

ok, so i just voted for my man, Barack Obama.. the future President of the USA.. Brasil, i'm coming if something crazy happens, so please have my bed ready!!

so, i wake up at 6am today.. realizing that my polling spot opens at 6am.. ok, well it was like 6:14am, but i didn't set my alarm.. i have that internal clock thing going on.. anyway.. i creep out of bed and look out the window.. no lines! YES!!

yea, hate on.. my polling place is DIRECTLY across the street from me.. i wrote a blog about that back in the day after my vote wasn't counted for Barack in the primaries.. old news.. anyway..

so i'm excited that there wasn't a line, cuz i've been hearing about the long lines.. not that it matters.. actually, as i type this, my best friend is in a long line around the block in another part of the Bronx.. but it's beautiful to be sending text messages before 7am and get responses from everybody.. everybody is out there.. at least my peoples are.. history in the making..

ok, so i finally get up around 6:24am.. yup, 6:24am on the dot.. wash my face, do all that good stuff, throw on some sweats, sneakers, jacket and a hat.. i'm dressed for voting success!! i get outside, still no line.. woo-hoo!! i see a police scooter parked in front of the crib.. got an instant bad feeling, but i moved on as soon as i crossed the street.. took some pics outside the spot.. felt good.. saw an older Black woman videotaping her mother going to vote.. i think i felt a tear creeping from my belly to my eye in about 3.8 seconds.. i didn't allow the tear to beat me.. my instincts were clocked at 3.5 seconds..

so i walk inside.. aww shoot..

nah, no lines.. just the okey-doke.. confusion.. they have 2 lines (which i found out was 3 later on).. 1 line says 44th District.. the other says 45th.. EVERYBODY in there was confused.. except those that brought those cards.. i didn't have mine.. most of us didn't.. some man was walking around assisting people with locations, but this dude was just a helper.. usually i'd say he was worthless, but he was helping out doing a job he's obvious not trained for.. looking up addresses is VERY hard.. anyway..

i see my neighbor, but he doesn't see me.. i stand behind him.. we finally figure out that we're in the 45th District.. but again, this feels like one of those Bush tactics.. it's like 25 people there.. since when did we have to go to a booth that was labeled w/ our district? it is what it is.. i hope and pray that everyone's vote is counted.. moving on..

i get to the table where they are trying to find our name.. last time, they couldn't find my name, and i had to do the P Vote (look it up, it's too early for me to remember how to spell it when i can't remember how to pronounce it!).. again, that vote was never counted.. i'm not bitter (i promise - wink wink).. well, here we go again..

i tell him my name and say "it starts with a P".. even though he has my ID right there in front of him.. do y'all know this Voting Helper (Black man) didn't know his ABC's?? that dude was stuck on M forever.. then went backwards.. i'm like "my man, P is AFTER M".. after some blank stares, he finally got it.. we laughed about it.. i dang near wanted to say, vote for Barack, so your children have a chance, cuz you, my friend, did not get a proper K-5 education!

my people, my people..

so i help the lady next to him spell my name on the card.. finally, i'm in the booth..

aww shoot.. i'm lost.. i feel like the Voting Helper who doesn't know his ABC's!! this ancient machine has me shook.. joint is so big, it looks like it can eat me.. i'm staring at Barack's name.. trying to move the lever.. ain't budging.. i take a deep breath, and take a smaller step back.. i'm confused.. i want to call for help, but i know i can beat this big machine that looks like the first computer.. i know i can.. i know i can!! so i look up and see some directions.. ahh-haa!!

i move this big lever to the right, and then i hit the switches.. all Democrat.. i have no clue who the other people were.. i'm horrible, i know.. well, the one chick lives right down the block from me.. so that was it.. i just pushed all the levers to the Democrat names, saw the X mark the spot, and pulled the lever..

jackpot!! i did it!! I VOTED FOR THAT ONE!! Yes sir!! i made history!! commence with instant texting and picture taking!! here i thought that i would get right back in bed, but i'm blogging to all of you.. texting to even more (i think).. having conversations w/ ppl standing in long lines (i'm here for moral support!).. and it'll keep going.. Fuzion has an all-day event at BBRAXTON starting at 10AM, where we'll have food and drinks (big up to CIROC for being a sponsor!) and watch all the news come in.. at 11AM i'll turn on The View (yup, i like that show.. go Whoopi!!) at the shop, and have dudes hating.. it's all good..

Go Vote!! (if you're confused, go with the dude who sounds like the most unlikely choice for President)

The Questions..

yeah, so the picture has nothing to do with The Questions.. but oh well.. deal with it.. it's my blog!!

moving on.. more questions..

1. How can you have HBO, HBO OnDemand, Showtime and Showtime OnDemand and not have CNN, ESPN, or MTV?
2. How does that make sense? If you pay for premium cable, shouldn't "basic" cable stations be free? What kind of sham is this?
3. Why do I feel the banking industry is a monopoly? Or are they playing monopoly or us? Or is it just that - monopoly?
4. Why am I feeling like tomorrow is going to be like Christmas?
   
5. How did DL Hughley get a show on CNN? Did anyone see that debut? If you did, did you bother to watch the 2nd show? I know I didn't - not a question, but i'm just sayin'..
6. Why does the economy make everybody a born-again Jamaican? Aren't people looking for 2nd jobs? Aren't business owners looking to start another business that can make quick cash to pay for the first business?
   
7. Was that last question just for me?
8. Why does this NBA season seem even better than last season? Is it because I'm liking the way that my Bulls are looking?
9. Why was Hov's "Kingdom Come" so slept on? Was it just too grown for a dumbed down audience? Dude had timeless beats and rhymes to match on it.. I mean, you really don't get a skip track until more than 1/2 way through the album.. Sorry, that wasn't a question.. i'm just sayin'..
10. How do you allow yourself to get clowned to your face? (i'm talking to you Palin and McCain)
11. Why am going to vote for Barack tomorrow? That was rhetorical..
    

Shut the Bleep Up..

normally i don't do this.. but really?? for real? in the words of Riley (Boondocks, come back), "that's what's really hood, huh? that's what's really hood?!"

saying your RNC speech in your latest Klan rally?? that's how it goes down?? only to see FoxNews report that you finally had your moment and spoke with assertion? really? is that what assertion is? being able to raise your voice above a whisper while finding a way to stay alive?? really?

did you really think a show like the Daily Show wouldn't peep that either and make fun of you? really? you actually had the audacity to spit the end of your RNC speech again? line for line? word for word?? and the media doesn't eat you alive for that??

i guess that really is hood..

Shut the eff up and get off my tv.. i hope you have an accident on stage tonight.. and not the "that one" accident.. one more of those, and you might mess around and find yourself missing.. keep playing.. there are a bunch of "that ones" walking around free nowadays.. read up on your current affairs.. i mean, i know your girl doesn't read or even know the name of newspapers, but you should be smarter than her.. shoot, who isn't??

The (Stock) Market..

or so they say.. for my math people, you know those brackets mean the negative.. pun was definitely intended..

our economy is worthless.. i just got my latest statement, and while i'm not doing horrible (diversity has its perks), i still lost money across the board.. i've been upset with people talking about buying stocks and all that stuff, because they THOUGHT we bottomed out.. sorry, didn't happen.. people bought those cheap stocks and days later lost it all.. not a good look.. and i know Buffet came out saying how the stocks are on sale..

umm, no.. i feel you, but no..

the fact is that maybe 6 months ago, our stock market became the equivalent of Marshall's and TJ Maxx.. Maybe Filene's Basement.. places where you could get great stuff for cheap.. name brand stuff at 1/2 the price.. that's where we were sitting.. and as an avid fan of Marshall's and Target (don't sleep, y'all saw Halle in Tar-jay earlier this week too!) i like those deals.. those types of stocks.. because as soon as i get them, then they go up.. i end up making the stocks better (or at least that's what i tell myself).. that Polo sweater i copped for 1/2 off looks like the same one Kanye bought for full price.. no one can tell the difference, so that stock went right back up to where it should be..

now??

shee-it.. the stock market is like the 99 cents store.. you go in there, and you dang near know that what you cop will be useless in about a week.. it goes down as soon as you buy it, and the only ppl that are happy, are the ones who sold it to you.. so, nah, ain't nothing on sale.. we are a week away from it being worthless..

let that marinate for a second..

Battle Royal

this is some amazing stuff.. i thought this only happened in movies, post-1980.. some Gangs of New York ish.. they get it in inside of Russia.. peep how after they start running, how cars come in and try to run cats over (yea, i'm giving it away).. crazy..

Gangs of Russia

Big Foot..

so, a bit ago i was out in LA.. while i was out there, i needed a massage.. in the worst way.. ya boy was stressed.. was also tired and my body needed some attention.. so, i heard a lot about the Thai Massage.. and it was cheap.. $45 cheap.. but again, i heard from a lot of people (credible people) that this was the way to go.. so i find one..

now, i know a lot of you are thinking about Happy Endings.. so was i.. and a lot of those places do cater to the Happy Ending crowd.. now, i'm a fan of happy endings, but i wasn't looking for that.. i just needed somebody to abuse me in a pleasant way, and for cheap..

so i find a spot in Hollywood.. i make the appointment.. let's bypass the fact that i got lost and dang near tore up the rental car.. forget all that.. i get there.. finally.. immediately Mr. Miyagi greets me.. he then points to the license that he has signifying that his place of business is legit..

pause..

business owners.. please don't do this.. i'm not concerned about your credentials by the time i get to your establishment.. the fact that you point out a license that is above the door that i walked in (i.e. i had to turn around and look up to see the license), and it is barely visible, is a problem.. i can't see the date or even what the license says, so then i'm made to be more skeptical..

unpause..

i say cool.. i give him my money (we have to prepay) and the tip.. i'm getting all of that out the way, plus i want the person hammering out the kinks to know so that maybe i can get a few more minutes beyond the hour that i've paid for..

so he ushers me back to these small cubby holes.. these joints sneak up on you.. as soon as you turn the corner, you see a serious of these holes.. before each hole there is a small step that you have to use to get in.. most people miss this step.. it's dark.. i know i missed it and banged my knee right into the bed that i didn't realize was a bed.. so obviously i would need some extra work on my knee area to compensate for this bed taking my knee out..

so what you have to do is pretty much crawl into this bed.. thanks for telling me that before i lost this next season in the NBA.. truly appreciated..

then a lady comes by and provides me with some boxer shorts to put on, as i was told to strip down and put them on.. umm.. no.. first of all, why am i putting on someone else's boxers when i have my own.. actually i was wearing boxer briefs, but still.. so i put these boxers on over my boxer briefs.. i don't need coodies like that chick that worked at McD's that i talked about.. not happening.. so there i am, laying down in this bed w/ extra support for my man region..

in comes the lady that is about to hammer out the kinks.. personally, i don't like looking at the women that work on my body.. i like to just assume i have this fine woman working on me.. i don't need to know that the chick working on me is the lady from "Misery".. nah, i'm good..

so i'm laying on my stomach.. she comes in and starts to work.. now a Thai massage is different.. it's a mixture of swedish and some flexy exy stuff.. contortion.. something like that.. but i heard it works wonders.. so there she was, doing what she does.. i'm a human pretzel.. cool..

then towards the end of my back portion, i feel A LOT of pressure on my hamstring.. A LOT.. it feels like someone is standing on my hamstring.. my eyes are closed.. plus the cubby hole is maybe 5' high.. so it can't be that.. then i'm thinking that this chick turned into the Incredible Hulk in minutes.. as i struggle to figure out how i made her that mad that she turned into the Hulk, i tried to take a sneak peek.. i couldn't see her.. she was angled just enough that i couldn't see her or move my head to see her.. as i tried to man up and not let her know that i was in pain, i just kept thinking "this chick is standing on my legs, she's not that strong"..

next thing i know, i'm being told to sit up.. phew! the pain was over.. i manned up.. made it through the Hulk experience.. i'm now looking at this chick that is about 4'8".. still in awe of her superhuman strength.. she asks me to sit up.. she then puts me in a WWF (not a WWE) move where she grabs my arms from behind to stretch me..

then it happens..

she puts her foot on my thigh for leverage.. it just happened to feel the same way as the hands that were laid on me that felt like the Hulk.. but then i look at her foot on some "this chick just put her toes all on my thigh!!".. then i notice that this chick's foot is wide as hell!! the biggest little foot i've ever seen in my life.. her toes were wide and flexible.. this messed up my whole experience, as i started to think about how big her foot was.. then i started to realize that the chick actually was standing on my hamstrings!!

this was too much.. but i was a pretzel at this point and was at her mercy.. i started to feel pain and pressure that i never felt before.. i was confused.. i was also amazed at her strength.. here i am, a dude that can do some fictional pushups, and this dwarf has me hemmed up, and i can't do nothing.. can't cry, can't scream, can't move.. i was scared to do any of that.. i just kept thinking, "this is a blog waiting to happen"..

all the while, more people came in down the small hall.. more people blew out their knees with the cubby hole structure.. this one Black chick came in and was telling the person what not to do.. she knew.. she had it all figured out.. she told her person that she didn't want to be walked or stepped on..

i knew it!! they walk on us.. this is some revenge thing.. they walk all over us, cuz they can.. some psychological payback.. it was crazy..

so this was all going through my head.. and then it was over.. and you know what? it was the best massage i ever had!! stepped on.. bent up.. confused.. blown knees.. big foot.. everything.. my body felt good.. i dream about Big Foot now.. it exists.. and it's a dwarf Thai chick that makes a living in Los Angeles..

don't believe me? try it yourself!!

Success Magazine..

it's on the newsstands now.. pick it up.. some dude from a company named Fuzion is in there.. nice 3/4 page picture and everything.. Tony Hawk is on the cover.. and yes, the magazine is legit.. Donald Trump was on the cover last month.. check your local Barnes & Noble.. article is pretty much in the middle of the issue..

Justin Martin..

my little man is growing up.. dude is about to be all over your theater screens starting this Friday (tomorrow)..

The Express.. check it out.. he plays Ernie Davis as a child..

High School Musical 3.. check that out.. comes out on the 24th of this month, i think.. check the commercials, they are on all of the time.. y'all don't need a link for this movie..

The Soloist.. check that out.. with Jamie Foxx.. comes out on Nov. 21st..

Black Water Transit.. check that out.. not sure when this one will be released.. crazy.. he did this movie before the others one, but this one is taking a bit longer to come out.. it also stars Laurence Fishburne..

props to the young man, Mr. Martin..

The Androde, Ms. Alaska & Orthopedic Gumby

man, i tried to stay outta this.. tried to mind my manners.. tried to bite my tongue..

i even let the "That One" slide without a post on that.. but now as i'm watching NBC Nightly News, and seeing McCain's Android (Wife) run her mouth about Obama not funding her child who went to war.. and how it sent "cold chills" down her back.. bitch, your back is made outta metal!! your whole body is cold.. kick rocks..

then seeing Ms. Alaska chuckle behind her.. that bitch can get it too.. she needs to be a contestant on Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader, and i'll bet that she doesn't make it to the 3rd question.. go fix your infant up with another infant.. see how that one turns out.. yup, i said it.. kick rocks..

and then i see Orthopedic Gumby talking shit.. and having the crowd join in unison to call Barack a liar.. niggas, y'all can't even look him in the eye.. say it to his face.. Gumby acts like Barack orders "about face" whenever Gumby talks shit about him.. bitch ass nigga.. bitch.. but what happened was the way i felt as i watched and listened to chants of "liar! liar! liar!".. nah, Android, i had chills running down my back! if i closed my eyes i would've sworn that i was at a KKK rally.. now i got scenes from the Great Debaters playing in my mind.. that shit is scary..

this shit has gone too far.. is it 2008? 1908??1888? shit.. watch ya back on November 4th.. in the words of Chris Rock, "these crackas ain't playin'!"..

The Debate..

i haven't spoken much about the debates.. haven't had much to say.. same stuff, different day.. i was about to post something, but then my man C3 hit the blogosphere w/ this:

Darkest Berry

check it out.. classic material.. props due..

Random

man, i'm tired.. been tired.. been grinding.. been working.. been slaving.. been ridiculous..

yea, ridiculous.. which reminds me..

Tracy Morgan..

what's up with this dude? i met him in the BX one night (real late).. dude was out there looking like a Busta Rhymes video shot in 1995.. woo-ha, got you all in check.. those type of outfits.. it was what it was.. but as i see him on Scare Tactics, 30 Rock, commercials for VH1, etc, i'm lost.. every time i hear this dude, it always sounds like he just learned how to talk.. what part of the game is this? how does he keep getting a job? yeah, he's funny from time to time, but do we really think he's THAT funny, or is it funnier because he's 2 steps away from the reading level of a slave? i could be wrong..

Fast Food Employees..

over the weekend, we (a group of us) were rolling deep.. after a nice long ride we find ourselves at Mickey D's.. there was too much going on there.. outside, 3 latino-looking employees sat inside of their car on what it seemed like was a break.. but they parked in the spot directly in front of the door.. granted, i've only worked at Taco Bell for 2 months, so my experience w/ that type of employment is limited to about 14 years ago.. but i was almost positive employees could not park in the "premium" parking spots.. but oh well, i ain't knocking the hustle.. but anyway that sets the table..

we go inside and we all order together.. i think that alone scared the young Black dude that was taking our orders.. but he takes them.. 1/2 the way through, his register went down.. so we had to move to the other register.. he helps us.. 1/2 of us order the 99 cents sweet tea w/ our value meals.. i've done this before.. i never pay more, nor do i ask for a discount, as i have ordered a cheaper drink.. it's cool.. not here.. he passes all of us the medium size cup, not the sweet tea cup.. that's a sticking point right there.. this tea is only provided in the larger 99 cents sweet tea cup.. w/out the sweet tea, this cup wouldn't exist.. that's the background.. so when dude gives me the medium cup, i reminded him that i was getting tea.. he agreed.. so, umm, yea.. why don't i get the sweet tea cup? he responds saying that the computer doesn't allow that.. and that if i wanted it, i would have to pay extra.. y'all know me, so y'all know i (and the group) grilled him to the point that he dang near had a panic attack..

pause, i forgot a good part of the story.. when his first register went down, the manager came to help.. this chick had coodies.. her elbows were covered in some form of rash.. it messed us all up.. this older white lady had coodies.. that slowed down our order times, as we all started to peep where this manager was going to go, and who's order she would touch.. keep in mind she didn't wear gloves.. but in this case, this chick needed a sleeve.. she needed to hit up Iverson for his joint, or maybe Kobe.. shoot, D.Wade's elbow pad might be more like it.. that chick had coodies..

unpause..

so, we ended up giving dude 75 cents more just to get the cheaper cup.. then the tea wasn't at its best.. sigh..

John McCain..

eat a dick..

Brothers for Barack..

More events to come.. First was a success..

Event Recap

http://blogs.uptownlife.net/dianedacosta/?p=188

My Rules..

in the spirit of Bill Maher, i'm coming up with my own take on New Rules.. if y'all don't know what i'm talking about, then you've missed one of the best shows on TV for some years now.. follow along.. you'll get it once you start reading them..

MY RULES:

1. Sequels should have to follow the previous movie.. Also, a prequel is not a sequel..

• First it was Scorpion King 2.. garbage.. hot garbage.. while it had something to do with Scorpion King, it was produced by a different company, directed by somebody who has no eye for talent, and it was a prequel!! it wasn't a sequel.. figure out a different naming convention.. joint was poop.. straight poop..
• Belly 2.. garbage.. not necessarily hot, but still garbage.. first, it had NOTHING to do with the original Belly.. i liked that movie.. it's one of my favorite movies.. yes, Nas' acting was horrible, and so was T-Boz and a bunch of others, but the movie had a story.. a plot.. i could follow it, even if i had to mute certain scenes.. i liked it.. a hood classic.. but Belly 2? with The Game?? come on now.. that joint was pitiful.. first of all it was made without anyone knowing it was made.. then it popped up on DVD.. had us all amped (ok, maybe not amped) to see it.. it was 1st on my Netflix Queue.. garbage.. they should be ashamed of themselves..

1. Blogger needs to fix its' numbering system.. i'm just saying..

• why does it pick up at #1 again? sigh..

1. Animals need to find ways to make money

• if i'm in a recession, so are you.. pets need to make their own dang money.. my cat was better when times were better.. he was more active.. he played more games.. had more tricks up his sleeve.. now? with the recession.. this dude is lazy.. he's getting the same treatment, but he's doing less.. i don't get it.. a fly will be right in front of him, and he'll just ignore it.. what's up with that?? a fly will have to walk to him - not fly, but walk - for him to even react to it.. then he'll catch it, and just let it go.. what's with that? i call it laziness.. and i'm thinking that if he's going to be lazy, then he needs to have an income..

1. Magazines need to change their name to "Ads with a couple stories"..

• every month i'm seeing more ads and less content/news in the magazines that i like.. that's cool.. gotta make your money.. but let's stop fooling ourselves.. those are no longer news magazines.. not current events.. nothing.. those are ad books.. if your first story starts on page 78, then you are no longer qualified to be a magazine..

1. No more taking pics of your baby on the phone, nor sending them to a person's phone..

• i'm going to catch hell for this, but y'all need to stop.. i've had too many baby pics recently be sent to me via email and on my blackberry.. those pics made the babies look like aliens.. that's at least what i'm claiming, cuz i can't believe a baby would have a head that's bigger than its entire body.. and that's what i've been seeing.. i'm ignorant.. ignant.. i don't know any better.. i see those pics (and they can be family too), and i'm ready to disown that family member.. on some, "nah, b, that baby ain't no kin to me!".. i know y'all don't believe me, but i showed a few to some friends, and they co-signed it.. they thought i was just talking trash until they saw them for themselves.. babies looking like extras from the new X-Files movie.. i'm just sayin'..
  

More Focus Material

click above.. more classic material.. y'all gotta peep the dude Ankh Rah doing some type of worm while they're singing "End of the Road".. classic..

btw, Focus, is going to be a new blog series of funny stuff i find on the net.. i got a list of joints, but i'm trying not to flood y'all..

I Am Not Barack

the family might (and should be) off-limits to Barack and his campaign people, but i am not Barack.. i believe the media should not research the family, but discuss the implications of the issues surrounding the family.. they should do it in the manner in which they have gone through Barack's family.. i want you dissecting things the same way you dissected the air that Barack breathes..

i'm not insensitive, but don't try to call me stupid to my face and get away with it.. that ain't happening.. the same way i caught up with that dude that owed me money, i'm catching up with you.. i don't believe the hype (spin).. i'm sorry, but i don't.. if it was no big secret, why did you have your 5 month pregnant high school senior (barely) daughter holding your baby the entire time? why was she hiding that? if it's not an issue, why keep that hidden.. let it be what it is.. she is a product of you.. you're (Sarah Palin) against abortion, contraceptives, etc, and now i see why you have a Goof Troop and bball squad in your family.. that's cool.. my older families have 5 on 5's so i ain't knocking that..

but i am having issues trying to figure out how you can do it all.. i do have an issue of you pretty much demanding your daughter to have the child and marry the father.. the boy came out on his MySpace talking differently.. so, something is definitely fishy in Alaska.. i'm just sayin'.. and i'm sorry, but that's not off-limits.. if you said they are getting married and they are happy, and he comes out and says something different, that is news.. that shows another crack.. that at least shows something to be concerned about, when it comes to families and the family value issue.. i'm not going to say you are forcing your child down this path, but the body of work is pretty much saying that..

more than that, i'm having an issue trying to figure out how this is going to work.. i know my family is different.. i know cultures are different.. but, i do recall that when you have a young teenage mother, usually the majority of the work, heartache, and stress falls on the grandma.. that would be you Gov. Palin.. with your Goof Troop and your baby (suffering from something that's not a joke), i'm not sure that you can or can't effectively do your job.. coming from a strong Black woman, i'm not going to question the resolve of a woman.. ok, maybe some.. but i know women can do extraordinary things.. i've seen it.. time and time again.. but VP? i know my mom went to work some days and messed stuff up, just remembering things that me and my siblings did at home.. that happens.. that's life.. but umm, at that high of a position, with a dude that looks and sounds like he's ready to go at any moment?? i'm not too sure.. dude might still have some type of post-i-was-abused-for-a-long-time-in-somebodys-war syndrome.. Manchurian Candidate type ish.. i have no clue.. but i ain't doubting it.. esp' cuz this old dude swears he is young and can roll with Daddy Yankee.. some call that a senior moment.. others call it an end of life crisis.. i'm just saying..

this isn't about whether a working mom can effectively do her job or be a VP.. nah, this is about that and the fact that the chick has a gang of issues internally and will be second in command, and could potentially have to take the seat in January if she won, cuz i'm not sure McCain's heart can hold up that long.. there is something about just having that look and aura, as well, and neither of them has it.. Palin definitely doesn't have it.. she hit it on the head with that hockey mom stuff.. i see that.. a VP? i don't see that.. put them both in the box.. they shouldn't play anymore..