Off My Game..

thanks to my boy/best friend/business partner/financial genius - J - i'm getting back into the game.. like everybody else, for the last 1 1/2 years i've been chasing the next dollar.. i've been acting like the donkey chasing the carrot.. forgetting all that i learned before this economic crash..

i'm where i am for a reason.. i got to where i was for a reason.. over the last 1 1/2 years, i forgot that reason.. i forgot myself.. i was Bush.. when the levees broke.. i was FEMA.. i was all of the above.. i was thinking about quick fixes, so i converted my style to those quick fixes.. started using duct tape for everything.. and i mean EVERYTHING.. money issues? duct tape.. family issues? duct tape.. bill collectors? the gas face..

but yesterday, it changed.. my boy left his laptop at the crib, so he had to travel a minute to go back to get it then back to the office.. he's in Cali and rises early like me.. so he used that "gas mistake" to reach out to me.. and i needed it.. had a big meeting in 2 hours prior to his call.. i told him about it.. he was cool for a second.. on some "cool, yea, umm, hope that works out for you".. then a few minutes later, he treated me like he was my step-pops.. you know how your "later" family will tell you like it is, w/o sparing feelings? well, he did it.. stopped me in mid-sentence on some "stop it.. STFU.." well, he didn't use those words, but he might as well have.. lol..

he goes into making me looking in a mirror.. a time capsule mirror.. making me realize the dumb moves i was making just to get that next large check.. not self-sustaining checks, but those "start Fuzion" checks.. lol.. he was right.. and those were some stupid moves.. really stupid moves.. i mean, to others, they weren't necessarily that.. but for someone that worked as hard as i did to get where i was, it was stupid.. he called it "community service".. i agreed.. i was doing things that i could do w/ my eyes closed, but was FAR from where i needed to be.. later, after i told him that the meeting didn't go too well, he texted me telling me to get back to playing in the NBA, and that i'm no longer a HS all-star..

point taken..

i say all of this to say that i'm back.. i got the smack, and now i'm back.. damn, that sounded like a page out of Jesse Jackson's book.. didn't mean for that to happen.. but, i am.. gonna take a couple weeks and figure some things out.. obviously i don't have a couple weeks, but i'm going to do that.. i'm going to sit down, right the ship, and get back into being the Street CEO.. don't take that as a bad thing.. all that means (for me), is that i'm going to be myself, in my own image, and knock down doors that i already opened.. so, if i have on some jeans and a button up w/ some nice shoes (not kicks, but shoes), that just means that i'm back.. i might have a hat on too..

although i've been the Street CEO about 3 times a month, i left it, because my patience wasn't there.. i was tired of the BS.. on those days, i made things happen for other people, but not really for myself.. i walked in, did what i was supposed to do, and walked out.. each time w/o a check for me.. it was a check for someone else, but not for me..

but i'm back in the gym now.. working on my game for the next 2 weeks.. my own training camp.. it's time to get it back.. it's time to be back.. shoot, Barack is the President..

i'm just sayin'..

Some Next Ish..

who knows..

who knows what this blog will end up being about, but i'm glad to have you following.. i'm back on my meds, and this is my therapy.. the written word.. so much been going on.. business issues.. family issues.. and everything that falls in between.. right now, it's all BS.. lies on top of lies.. sometimes i feel like i'm living a lie.. not on purpose, but just on some hidden camera real life experience ish.. like, somebody already made plans for my life, and i wasn't hip to the game (dang i sounded old saying "hip to the game")..

i'm serious, though.. i'm breaking my back getting stuff together.. meeting w/ all types of ppl to figure out this lie of a life i appear to be living.. and i feel like i stopped lying.. lol.. that's the ironic part.. as a business man and owner, you learn to tell the lies that you have to in order to be successful.. not on some "i make a million dollars" type of lies or "i'm the best that ever did it" type of lies, but more on the "i never had an employee named T Bags" or something like that.. just something small to distance yourself from random ridiculousness.. wait, are things that are ridiculous usually random? sheeit, i don't know.. anyway..

i feel like lately, everybody and everything around me doesn't seem real.. i get a call from the Aldermen to meet to discuss biz, only to get there and see that there is a line of ppl complaining about fire hydrants, their next door neighbors, or the annoying stray cat that walks around barking like a dog.. i don't know.. but, then i'm placed in that position and then forced to act like i'm "too good for lines".. well, that part is true, i am too good for lines.. even if its in my own mind and in my own reality, it's still my truth.. so yea, then i'm calling ppl out, and saying "nah, i'm not here to wait for a 15 minute slot. i'm hear to discuss business. if i can't then i'll roll"..

see that's where i look "bougee" (yes, i know how to spell the word - keep it moving).. cuz i had those workers scrambling to figure out how to make me happy, and they did.. i got my meeting set up, and i was out the door.. but, from an appearance stance, i looked like an asshole to some and like a true business man to others.. i literally told this Aldermen's assistant that "i don't need to have this meeting, i'm already good w/ the Mayor and other Aldermen".. now, that's all true, but i didn't want to have to play that card.. they forced me too.. from something that stemmed from a lie (i.e. Aldermen wants to meet with you on this day at this time)..

then i'll have money lies.. even joints i've used myself.. check is in the mail.. waiting for money to clear.. etc.. we've all done it.. i stopped doing it, on some "it's whateva get off my phone" ish, but now i see EVERYONE is doing it!! i mean EVERYONE.. i can only smile (except for the times when i'm trying to get my money).. when it comes to money, everyone is on some do for self ish right now.. i can't say that i blame them, cuz once my cashflow is back to where it should be, please believe that if i don't consider you close, then from a money perspective i'm treating you like a long lost relative that resurfaced after i won the lottery.. i've had bank execs tell me they want to do something, then turn around and ask to borrow a dollar.. it's crazy..

i've dealt w/ family stuff (i'm going through some deep family ish) and turned around and was like "damn, are we family?", cuz the person i was talking to morphed into someone else.. i'm close to the point of only talking to like 3 ppl in my family.. no lie.. and my mom ain't even 1 of those 3!! it's crazy..

that's why i'm thinking that i'm in the Truman Show (google it).. thought i made moves to right the ship, and realized i was on the wrong ship.. got on another ship, then realized that we never left the dock..

shoot, i went to do a television interview only to find out that the reporter forgot that we (Blacks) were free (based on his appearance and speech).. then i turn to the tv and watch America's Got Talent and see a dude from the south that can sing, but before he started singing, i said "dude sounds like he's still a slave", only for this negro to start singing a slave song!! i can't make this us.. shoot, that reporter i talked about? this dude had a show called "My Guests Ain't Guessin'".. i shit you not! i busted out in laughter on camera when he said that.. looked around the set like "is he serious?".. then realized he was and then i was on some "oh hell nah, give me the papers, cuz i'm putting my own clause in this piece that says - WILL NEVER BE AIRED".. it was crazy.. dude wearing a wool suit straight off the back of sheep.. in 100 degree weather..

shoot, this is a rant, and i can go on and on, but i'll stop.. i'm just hoping that i one day wake up from this lie and i'm 4 years younger but still have the lessons learned from this nightmare..

i'm just sayin'..

When the Pen Hits the Paper..

Awwwwww shhhhhhh…

This is a reality rap.. Yeah, I’m a rapper right now.. No bars, no hooks.. No beats, no soundtracks.. Just a reintroduction.. Our prophets are now supposed to be those wearing fake chains and having the hottest looking asian-influenced woman on our arm.. Well, picture me as just that, because I have a lot on my mind that I have to get off.. I’m the mad rapper.. I’m the hip-hop professor.. Sorry Michael Eric Dyson.. You owe me anyway..

Life has been crazy.. Too crazy.. From the bottom to the top, and back down to the bottom.. Then back to the top.. My rap moniker is now Phoenix.. And that has so many subliminal messages to it that it should be part of the Wu-Tang Clan.. Y’all will catch that in 2020.. Life hasn’t been easy.. Some days I’m Shawn Carter, other days I’m Jay-Z.. Some days I’m Shawn Carter from 1992, which means that on those days I have nothing.. My worth on those days are defined like a 18 year old McDonald’s All-American.. It’s all based on potential.. Realized potential, if that makes sense.. On those days, on the inside I feel like an allusion of myself.. On those days, on the outside I am exactly who everyone expects me to be..

The reality hits.. The best-of albums.. The mixtape massacres.. It's all there.. Some get released, some get tabled.. But let's get back to the reality hits..

And this is tough.. Discussing reality when no one really buys that reality.. The reality is that everybody is struggling.. The reality is that my own expectations are higher than your expectations of me.. The reality is that no one will allow me to talk “nonsense”.. Meaning, no one wants to hear me talk about dwindling marketing accounts, broke professional athletes, and artists that need much more than they actually realize.. I’m not talking about my own, either.. I’m talking about the way it is.. My bad, I mean, no one wants to hear me rapping about my mother's ills, my sister's struggles, or my own personal demons.. My biggest obstacle is my own success.. And I have nothing or no one to blame for that.. I craved it.. I desired it.. I embodied it.. On some days, I fed it.. Beyonce’s “Ego” song might be part of my issue.. On some level, ego plays into it.. Never letting them see you sweat.. Never painting the whole picture.. Never saying never..

I’m not sure that’s my problem, though.. I’m not sure what the problem is on most days.. Some days I look up to the sky and ask why.. Other days I look up to the sky and scream “**** the world, don’t ask me for ****”.. Am I talking to God? Why wouldn’t i? Some days I look down below and ask would it be worse down there? Other days I look down below and realize that down below is just a mirror reflection of my life.. Hell is no different from the present.. At least that’s what I feel on those days..

But then I have to snap out of it, and smile for my family.. Smile for my clients.. Smile for my fans.. You know, the ones that are no longer buying my album.. Work hard for everyone, but myself.. I can’t be working hard for myself and still be feeling like this.. I don’t question the Lord.. That’s not my style.. My bad, not my steez.. It just can’t be.. I can’t allow that.. Knaa’mean?! I might be blocking my blessings.. Knaa’mean?? My rap alter-ego wants to scream “Bless Deez”.. My phone is always buzzing.. Another hand out.. Someone else’s and mine.. Cuz when I put my hand back in my pocket, all I feel is lint.. That’s the reality.. Money comes in and goes right back out.. Sometimes money comes in, and it gets jacked.. Bills, bills, and more bills.. Sometimes my days are like hearing Destiny’s Child play on repeat.. Same song, different day.. But the tape won’t pop.. When I take it out, I realize that the tape is indestructible.. It’s wild..

I help more than I harm.. I help more than I harm.. I help more than I harm.. So why can’t I get help?? Why is no one listening? Ok, let me take that back.. I get help.. I get bailed out.. But even that bailout comes w/ steep consequences, and recently those consequences come in the form of what feels like a loan shark.. When I think the coast is clear, I walk out and there is a spotlight on me.. Can you hear the violins playing??

All I know is that it gotta change.. Quickly.. Or I’m leaving the game.. On some Ready to Die ish.. I can’t deal w/ these rap dudes no more.. No promoters.. No labels.. Nothing.. I’m giving it one final shot.. And I’m hoping it will not be like MJ’s last shot or even Hov’s.. Just Q..

Too Long..

yea, yea, yea..

i know, i know, i know..

i'm the worst blogger in terms of consistency.. i make promises that i never keep.. i start concepts that i never keep going.. but y'all gotta give me a break.. we have a new President.. Hope is on the horizon.. hopefully i'll get my blogging act together and be more consistent..

i'll tell you what, though.. i do write blogs.. daily.. they are just in my head.. maybe i'm the Hov of blogging.. yeah, that's it.. i'm the Hov of blogging.. i don't write it down until i'm ready to drop the album.. so that can be every 6 months or so that i go back into the booth (i.e. blogger.com), but i promise not to drop duds..

anyway, too much is going on and not enough time.. def' not enough money, but who's pinching pennies?? well, who wants to count the pennies that they are pinching??

explain this to me.. how is it that as you get older Christmas becomes more and more expensive for you.. how is it that your grown siblings and family expect bigger and better gifts from you? what is that about? i swear my mom grows her Christmas Wish List exponentially.. it ain't fair.. i can total up the last 10 Christmas' and i'm dang sure that the amount that i spent in those 10 years for my mom is more than the 16 or so that she spent on me growing up.. shoot, i'll venture to say that it's more than me and my siblings combined.. what is that about?? flights, jewelry, food, trips.. really? did i ever get a trip to Disney World when i was a kid?? shoot, i would've love to get outta the South Side to a warmer place.. i'm just sayin'..

what about Turkey Day? maybe when i have a nice crib and room for 25 people will i appreciate this day more.. right now (and since i could remember) it always seems like more of a hassle.. it starts from the family.. who's house are we having it at? at what age is it acceptable and be grown and not have to go home for it? who's preparing what? man, so many questions.. the biggest one is, who is cleaning up?? cuz that's what i'm looking for in the future.. ain't no way i'm having 25 ppl in my spot and not have help cooking AND cleaning.. nuh uh.. ain't happening.. everybody is working.. if not, it'll be a scene from "Martin".. tellin' everybody to "get to steppin'!".. i'm just sayin'..

so, yeah, as you can see, i'm VERY excited about the holiday period.. VERY.. i'm disappearing.. y'all don't believe me? ask my mom.. i sent her an email and told her that i'd reconnect with her after the holiday period, cuz i needed a break.. yup, i said it.. i treated my mom like she was a business associate.. i'm sorry, it sounds harsh, but i just needed some me time.. is that too much to ask?? she knows i love her.. so stop screwing your face up at me!!

Chicago Style

i'm still nearly speechless.. after literally losing my voice in the streets of Harlem, USA, i find myself operating on 2 1/2 hours of sleep.. and i never felt better (aside from this pounding headache)..

i get to go home today.. ironically, i'm heading to Chicago today, and i have no clue how i will feel.. i spent all of last night shedding tears of joy and screaming.. forces buses, taxis and cars to honk their horns after Barack was elected our first Black President.. damn.. Black President.. stuff sounds crazy.. but there we were.. Fuzion had an event all day yesterday to watch the results come in.. that night was something that i couldn't describe.. as we watched the inevitable happen, we were puffing cigars and drinking Johnny Walker Blue (don't try that at home, folks).. realizing that the numbers were about to come in for Barack.. seeing him first take control of the senate.. then seeing 293 pop on the screen, showing that he exceeded (later trounced) the 270 that was needed to secure the Presidency..

we went crazy.. i felt like Coach Jimmy V running around looking for someone to hug.. i picked Superstar up like she weighed 2 pounds.. i was hugging and kissing and pounding up everybody in sight.. grown men were crying.. i teared up, but didn't have the waterworks.. not cuz i was ashamed, just because my joy was limiting the amount of moisture streaming from my eyes.. i was laughing and smiling and crying.. and it never felt so good..

i ran out into the street.. the MIDDLE of the street.. i didn't care.. a few blocks away on 125th street they were doing the same.. with news cameras everywhere.. they had that.. we locked down 116th.. i was screaming at cars.. screaming at people on the street.. hugging more white folk than i probably have in my entire life.. i was telling men that i loved them.. men that i didn't know.. literally..

"i don't know you, but i love you!!"

i called my Man C3, and was yelling and he probably wasn't understanding anything i was saying as i was at the highest level of ADHD as possible.. cars were blaring the Obama "A Milli" remix.. i was yelling it.. i was in the street for nearly 45 minutes.. NON-STOP.. this was unbelievable..

i thought about my family.. those that passed, and those that are still here.. i thought about my future family.. i thought about being able to have a child born under a Black President.. i thought of everything at the same time.. i thought of burying the hatchett with people that i don't like.. i thought that my credit was good.. i thought i had the bank account of Oprah.. i thought of everything.. and even believed it for a second..

i thought of how after it was announced, everyone in that room came to me about making some things happen.. they asked me to lead it.. some big things.. where we use our collective power and expertise to do something big.. something so big that i can't even talk about it.. but i felt good, cuz they gave me the keys to make it happen.. the youngest guy in the room.. 4th youngest period in the room.. that made me feel good.. made me feel like for a change, a lot of us will use this extra inspiration to fully tap into our potential.. that alone is good enough for me.. that alone makes me so proud.. that alone makes the world see the power that one Man has..

it takes me to that scene in Malcolm X when he put his hand up and pointed and had everyone walk in unison.. only to have po-po remark that no man should have that much power.. well, World, that Man has arrived..

his name is Barack Obama.. the 44th President of the United States of America..

Tales from the Booth

ok, so i just voted for my man, Barack Obama.. the future President of the USA.. Brasil, i'm coming if something crazy happens, so please have my bed ready!!

so, i wake up at 6am today.. realizing that my polling spot opens at 6am.. ok, well it was like 6:14am, but i didn't set my alarm.. i have that internal clock thing going on.. anyway.. i creep out of bed and look out the window.. no lines! YES!!

yea, hate on.. my polling place is DIRECTLY across the street from me.. i wrote a blog about that back in the day after my vote wasn't counted for Barack in the primaries.. old news.. anyway..

so i'm excited that there wasn't a line, cuz i've been hearing about the long lines.. not that it matters.. actually, as i type this, my best friend is in a long line around the block in another part of the Bronx.. but it's beautiful to be sending text messages before 7am and get responses from everybody.. everybody is out there.. at least my peoples are.. history in the making..

ok, so i finally get up around 6:24am.. yup, 6:24am on the dot.. wash my face, do all that good stuff, throw on some sweats, sneakers, jacket and a hat.. i'm dressed for voting success!! i get outside, still no line.. woo-hoo!! i see a police scooter parked in front of the crib.. got an instant bad feeling, but i moved on as soon as i crossed the street.. took some pics outside the spot.. felt good.. saw an older Black woman videotaping her mother going to vote.. i think i felt a tear creeping from my belly to my eye in about 3.8 seconds.. i didn't allow the tear to beat me.. my instincts were clocked at 3.5 seconds..

so i walk inside.. aww shoot..

nah, no lines.. just the okey-doke.. confusion.. they have 2 lines (which i found out was 3 later on).. 1 line says 44th District.. the other says 45th.. EVERYBODY in there was confused.. except those that brought those cards.. i didn't have mine.. most of us didn't.. some man was walking around assisting people with locations, but this dude was just a helper.. usually i'd say he was worthless, but he was helping out doing a job he's obvious not trained for.. looking up addresses is VERY hard.. anyway..

i see my neighbor, but he doesn't see me.. i stand behind him.. we finally figure out that we're in the 45th District.. but again, this feels like one of those Bush tactics.. it's like 25 people there.. since when did we have to go to a booth that was labeled w/ our district? it is what it is.. i hope and pray that everyone's vote is counted.. moving on..

i get to the table where they are trying to find our name.. last time, they couldn't find my name, and i had to do the P Vote (look it up, it's too early for me to remember how to spell it when i can't remember how to pronounce it!).. again, that vote was never counted.. i'm not bitter (i promise - wink wink).. well, here we go again..

i tell him my name and say "it starts with a P".. even though he has my ID right there in front of him.. do y'all know this Voting Helper (Black man) didn't know his ABC's?? that dude was stuck on M forever.. then went backwards.. i'm like "my man, P is AFTER M".. after some blank stares, he finally got it.. we laughed about it.. i dang near wanted to say, vote for Barack, so your children have a chance, cuz you, my friend, did not get a proper K-5 education!

my people, my people..

so i help the lady next to him spell my name on the card.. finally, i'm in the booth..

aww shoot.. i'm lost.. i feel like the Voting Helper who doesn't know his ABC's!! this ancient machine has me shook.. joint is so big, it looks like it can eat me.. i'm staring at Barack's name.. trying to move the lever.. ain't budging.. i take a deep breath, and take a smaller step back.. i'm confused.. i want to call for help, but i know i can beat this big machine that looks like the first computer.. i know i can.. i know i can!! so i look up and see some directions.. ahh-haa!!

i move this big lever to the right, and then i hit the switches.. all Democrat.. i have no clue who the other people were.. i'm horrible, i know.. well, the one chick lives right down the block from me.. so that was it.. i just pushed all the levers to the Democrat names, saw the X mark the spot, and pulled the lever..

jackpot!! i did it!! I VOTED FOR THAT ONE!! Yes sir!! i made history!! commence with instant texting and picture taking!! here i thought that i would get right back in bed, but i'm blogging to all of you.. texting to even more (i think).. having conversations w/ ppl standing in long lines (i'm here for moral support!).. and it'll keep going.. Fuzion has an all-day event at BBRAXTON starting at 10AM, where we'll have food and drinks (big up to CIROC for being a sponsor!) and watch all the news come in.. at 11AM i'll turn on The View (yup, i like that show.. go Whoopi!!) at the shop, and have dudes hating.. it's all good..

Go Vote!! (if you're confused, go with the dude who sounds like the most unlikely choice for President)

The Questions..

yeah, so the picture has nothing to do with The Questions.. but oh well.. deal with it.. it's my blog!!

moving on.. more questions..

1. How can you have HBO, HBO OnDemand, Showtime and Showtime OnDemand and not have CNN, ESPN, or MTV?
2. How does that make sense? If you pay for premium cable, shouldn't "basic" cable stations be free? What kind of sham is this?
3. Why do I feel the banking industry is a monopoly? Or are they playing monopoly or us? Or is it just that - monopoly?
4. Why am I feeling like tomorrow is going to be like Christmas?
   
5. How did DL Hughley get a show on CNN? Did anyone see that debut? If you did, did you bother to watch the 2nd show? I know I didn't - not a question, but i'm just sayin'..
6. Why does the economy make everybody a born-again Jamaican? Aren't people looking for 2nd jobs? Aren't business owners looking to start another business that can make quick cash to pay for the first business?
   
7. Was that last question just for me?
8. Why does this NBA season seem even better than last season? Is it because I'm liking the way that my Bulls are looking?
9. Why was Hov's "Kingdom Come" so slept on? Was it just too grown for a dumbed down audience? Dude had timeless beats and rhymes to match on it.. I mean, you really don't get a skip track until more than 1/2 way through the album.. Sorry, that wasn't a question.. i'm just sayin'..
10. How do you allow yourself to get clowned to your face? (i'm talking to you Palin and McCain)
11. Why am going to vote for Barack tomorrow? That was rhetorical..